How To Keep Her From Cheating

Hi, I enjoyed your articles and am going to buy your book!

I am a 22-year-old man who hasn’t had much luck with women so far.

My question is about long-lasting relationships. I am not thinking about getting married until I’m at least in my mid-20's however; I’m wondering how I can keep someone happy in a long-term relationship.

I get really discouraged by hearing about all the cheating that goes on. People seem to break up all the time. It is a worldwide phenomenon – not just in the west. Is it inevitable that people will cheat? My mother stayed faithful all her life (she passed away two years ago), so I believe that it’s possible, but my mother is from a different generation.

Anyway, here is my question, assuming two people fall in love and get married, (after getting to know each other very well of course) is it possible in today's society that they will stay true to each other? What can BOTH partners do to make sure that they both remain happy and satisfied?

May be I am just an idealist, but hopefully you can give me a few tips.

Thanks a lot and keep up the good work!

Hello!

I doubt you'll be surprised that I highly recommend that you buy my book! But frankly, you really should get a copy. It is a perfect compliment to Dating Insider.

I too believe in monogamous relationships, and yes - you're right - they are very difficult. Here's why:

Ø Nature's plan for us humans (men are NOT monogamous!)

Ø People grow at different rates, and thus you can't expect two people to be the same 10 years after getting together

Ø There are tons of images of others (whether true or not) that show the grass is greener somewhere (and with someone) else

Ø The motivation to find less stress with someone else

Ø Human drama in all its forms

Of course there are a ton of other reasons as well.

So, to your question: how do you insure that your partner won't stray? Answer: you can't.

This isn't my rule, my brother; it was here before I arrived. However, with that said, you CAN greatly increase the probability that your partner (or you!) won't cheat. Here's how:

1) Get married later in life, (after you're 30 or later), and have a bunch of relationships before that.

This way, you're more mature and can handle the bumps in the road better. I believe that before 30, no matter how mature you are for your age, you still don't have the experience. This just takes years - and many relationships to obtain.

2) Be compatible, and have the same interests and goals

Many people find someone and happen to have a number of things they both enjoy; but then they also have things they like to do that the other doesn't. This is healthy, but it doesn't necessarily make for long-term happiness. Can you learn to enjoy activities that the other does? Yes, but it is an effort rather than a natural progression. This causes small tensions in the relationship.

However, this isn't to say that people from different cultures should avoid each other. On the contrary, I believe that these different cultural points can make for a very good relationship - if both learn to appreciate and respect the other's culture.

3) Be comfortable with "away time"

Don't think that you can "own" someone else by marrying them. It doesn't work that way. You can never own someone else. They have to choose to give themselves to you; and you to them.

When people feel like they have no time to themselves they begin to feel strangled by the relationship. That isn't healthy. You need time away to recharge your batteries and to grow. Even in a marriage or committed relationship - you are two different people, not one as the romantics of the world would have you believe.

4) Fall in love

I keep saying that there aren't too many divorces - there are too many marriages! Many people get married for all the wrong reasons. Here are the only two I believe are valid:

a) You want children; and,

b) You’ve found the only person that will ever match you in every way possible

That "b" is a killer! How do you know that this is true with someone? That's the point - you don't! But, you'd better be pretty damn sure, because everything else is working against you.

A lot of people don't really know what love is; probably because they have never experienced it. Believe me, you KNOW when you're in love with someone. If you aren't absolutely sure, you aren't in love.

So, these same people start feeling pressure to get married so that they CAN fall in love. That's not the way it works. You've got to work on yourself (see #5 below) and get your self-image up to a healthy level before you can love someone else. But, when you do, it is perfect - for you. The other person ALSO has to love YOU! That's a tall order. So, don't make any moves until you're sure that you're in love.

How do you know? Musicians, singers, poets, etc., have been trying to explain what love is for the whole of human history. It's a very, very difficult thing to explain. Here's my definition:

"You are vastly more concerned with the happiness and safety of the person you love than you are with yourself."

That's an interesting way to think. Go back over that statement a few times until it really sinks in. When you find that feeling with someone, you'll know that you're in love.

5) Be realistic

Don't do as so many women do; "fall in love with being in love". In other words, many women AND men are in love with the idea of being with, and committed to, someone else. Women often dream of the "big white wedding", the "house with the white picket fence", the 2.5 children; etc., etc. Don't do this! The image is fine, but it leads to unreasonable expectations. For example, what if you rush off to Las Vegas to get married, live in an apartment in New York, and wind up having 1 kid? You may be surprised to hear this, but people actually split up just because their relationship wasn't what they expected (or imagined) all those years!

Each relationship is dynamic and uniquely vibrant. It has it's own pace and "feel". Don't discount one just because it doesn't match the image in your head. This goes to another point - do you have to be married to be "committed"? Absolutely not! Marriage doesn't make anyone more committed. Live for the QUALITY of the relationship - not the FORMAT!

6) Work on yourself!

This is probably the most important of the points. Here's my attitude: "Why would someone want to go out and eat hamburger when they have steak at home?" In other words, I feel very strongly about myself, and believe that any woman would be extremely lucky to be with me. While I don't tell women this, my attitude screams it loudly. If they don't want to be faithful to me, that's THEIR problem - not mine; other than the mistake of misjudging their character.

Because of this, I have never had a girlfriend (or wife) cheat on me! Further, once I learned how women think (the past 15 years or so), I've never had a girlfriend break up with me either! Just because I believe it strongly, they also believe it. That is an important key. Your attitude plays a huge role in how others see you.

7) “Read” your lover

Get to know what (and who) she wants. If you are this guy – great, but don’t make assumptions. If you aren’t this guy and can be him without much work – become him. This is the greatest idea of the century!

If you find an attitude you admire in someone, adopt it as your own. Remember, you’re don’t “done” becoming who you will be, so there isn’t anything wrong with growing your personality. Further, there is nothing wrong with working to become the person that she stays in love with the rest of her life.

8) Get educated

Learn about women, and how they think. Not just what some people happen to say - but what they REALLY think. This way, you can play to their strengths AND weaknesses. After all, women want a man that compliments them; not verbally, but in attitude and personality.

I hope I've given you some things to think about! Here's something else that might help; an article on how to know when your relationship is "right":

How To Know When Your Relationship Is "Right"

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.