In Love with a One-Night-Stand Man

Dr. Neder:

I met a man through the oddest of ways - a mis-sent text message! It went to the wrong phone number and somehow we started to text each other, exchanged photos of ourselves and started to flirt. He is an older man with a really sexy voice and is a successful business owner. We finally we decided to meet up.

What happens next, is the craziest thing I have ever done in my life, it was my first time ever! He called me on a Thursday and asked if I wanted to meet him for coffee after his dinner with a client, if it was early enough. If not then we could just meet on that Saturday as originally planned. I agreed but I didn't hear anything from him until almost 11:00, so I thought he probably wouldn't call because it's too late.

Just when I was about to go to bed, he called and apologized for calling so late. He asked me if I want to come over to his place and I agreed because I really wanted to see him in person. By the time I got to his house it was 12:30am. The door was unlocked so I just went upstairs to his bedroom. He was surprised that I actually showed up at his place this late by myself. We talked a little and I think you can guess what happened after that. He was really good in bed! I was lying in his arms and for the first time in my life I felt so safe and happy. Really I know it's not normal but I felt like he is the ONE that I've been looking for.

The next morning we had to wake up early to go to work. On my way home I was sad because I knew I shouldn't have done this but I couldn't help it. That's when the insecurities started to take over. I became scared that I wouldn't hear from him again so I text him to say that I had a wonderful time and thanked him. I started to worry more and more. I got this weird feeling that since we met that first night that the Saturday plan wouldn't happen. I really wanted to see him and I started to like him more and more. He texted me saying "hey, we saw each other Thursday instead of Saturday so I made plans with my buddy and his girlfriend. I feel bad, I'm sorry :-(". I replied "I kinda got the feeling that you would plan something else. Anyway, have a good weekend. I just wanted to sleep with you. That's all." He replied "Whoa, I'm a piece of meat? :-( ". I responded "or were you expecting me to fall in love with you? I actually did for about 5 hrs - best 5hrs I've had in years. And I was kidding about the 'just wanted to sleep with you' part".

I didn't hear from him again - I probably scared him away or he thought I was annoying and childish and stupid and crazy.... But that's so not me! I wanted to be calm and I wish I could be. It seems like I screwed everything up but now I want to fix it. I really like him. At this point, I really don't know what else to do. I don't want to keep sending him text messages or call him anymore, but if I don't I might never get a chance to see him again. I'm asking for help. I know most people would say "come on, wake up! He's just not interested in you. Get it over with and move on..." but I don't want to. Even if there's only a slice of hope I want to try to fix things until there's nothing else I can do. Please help me!

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Hello!

Holy shit!

Why in THE HELL would you actually try to create what you didn't want to have happen with him????

What in the hell were you thinking???

You wanted to have something more than a one-nighter with him so you actually cancel a date with him, tell him that all you wanted was sex and now you're wondering why he doesn't call you???

I don't know whether to be shocked or disgusted. I'm not talking about the sex at all here. I think that was a bold, incredible - and even smart move! You didn't do it for the smart reasons, but you got the net-effect benefit of them anyway - and then you threw it all away. Going over to have sex with him actually connected you and him very deeply. Because of your own fears you destroyed all of the benefit you created however! That's just really, really dumb.

Please stop just reacting here and start being strategic, will you? You absolutely, positively have to call him! He's not going to contact you after that little act. The other choice is to just walk away feeling insecure and be sad that you did this. Either way I guess you'll have learned a valuable lesson; no, not about the first-date sex, but about killing off your own chances with someone you really liked. Sheesh!

Here's what I want you to do: I want you to call him - do NOT text him! Texting is like passing notes when you were a kid in school. It's cowardly and worse, you miss a lot of important nuances in meaning. It's easy to misconstrue your (or someone else's) messages so please just stop doing this. When you call him just act normal and say, "Hey! I missed you and our date on Saturday. Sorry about canceling, but I want to make it up to you. Are you available next Saturday? I'm going to take you out." You're going to have to be direct and bold here. This is your chance to start to fix the damage you've created. Pick him up at his place, take him out to do something fun (your first date) and then take him home and bang him stupid. As well, sometime during the conversation or the date itself just mention that you're sorry for what you texted him about only wanting sex. Just brush it off as some "girl-brain-fart" or something. Don't make it a big deal, but let him know that wasn't your intention at all - you really want to see where this can go. Then, MAKE it go.

Best regards...

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