Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Men: Learn
How To Be Approached
Recently, I’ve been getting more mail from women complaining
that men are sometimes put off when women approach them. How
ludicrous is this? Men, you’ve had to do all the work for years.
If some women feel good enough about themselves to take on some
of the burden – why turn them down?
Many men feel intimidated
by women that are direct or even aggressive. It’s time to get
your own ego in check. What’s going on here? Are some men so
insecure that they feel intimidated by forward women? Well,
yes – this sometimes is the case. On the other hand, many men
are tied into the “attitude relics” of the past – including
that men always have to make the first move.
To begin, let’s
look at why women DON’T approach men. Here are a few reasons:
1) Most women feel
it’s the man’s job to do the approaching (attitude relic)
2) Women are sometimes
even more uneasy about approaching men than men are about approaching
women
3) Many women have
never learned how to approach men
4) Men often don’t
want to be approached and react poorly to women that do
Women that approach
men go through the same anxiety that most men experience – if
they approach at all. So, the wise man will realize that he
WANTS women to approach him. The trick (as many women know)
is how to be approachable.
Being approachable
is a combination of things. The first key is to make eye contact.
Women will not approach a man whose eyes she can’t see. Averting
one’s eyes is a defensive posture and tells people not to approach
you. If she can’t see your eyes, she doesn’t know if you’re
shy or dangerous!
The second key
is to smile. A smile doesn’t have to be a full-tooth grin. Just
a pleasant relaxed smile in coordination with eye contact is
perfect. This doesn’t come naturally to many people and you
may need to practice this in a mirror to make it so. Just look
at yourself and picture the image you want to express to others.
Then, learn how it feels to present that image on your face.
Eye contact and
smiling may also have cultural implications. In some cultures
it is considered rude to look someone in the eye. In others
(such as Japanese culture), any display of emotion can be looked
down upon. Thus, you should learn the local customs especially
when you’re traveling and make them work for you – not against
you!
The third key is
body language and posture. You want to evaluate your body’s
posture. Slumping shoulders, crossed arms and legs are “don’t
approach” signals. Another “leave me alone” sign is turning
your back or shoulders away from someone – or away from the
center of activity. If you’re sitting at a bar, you are likely
facing a wall. Turn around and face the center of the room (or
somewhere away from the bar itself). Then, don’t slouch. Sit
comfortably up-right with your shoulders up, back straight and
your arms and legs unfolded, in a relaxed place – over the back
of a chair or on the bar for example. This posture signals your
“openness” to someone’s approach.
If you’re sitting
on a bench or couch, don’t sit close to the edge (signaling
your distance). Don’t sit directly in the middle either (showing
your ownership of the seat). Sit slightly to the side with room
on either side of you for someone else. This is a universal
sign that you can be approached.
One great tool
to use is to imagine someone you respect entering a room. Think
about James Bond or John Wayne entering a party alone. They
show confidence, class, calm and comfort (the “4 C’s”?). This
should be your goal as well. If you’re not sure how to act,
stand or sit – imagine what they would do in this particular
situation.
Even if you do
all of this, don’t be disappointed if you DON’T get approached.
The women that will make the first move are rare – very rare.
If you’re one of the lucky ones that get approached, take advantage
of this gift!
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2011,
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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