Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
How Do
I Get Him To Marry Me?
Dear Dr. Neder:
I would really like to know, how to get my boyfriend to really
figure out what he wants to do? To help him get ready to take
things to the next level, or not. I am ready for marriage and
ready for the whole nine yards with him, but he just seems
too comfortable and scared to move forward with things. Basically,
what can I do to help him really realize what he has, and take
this relationship more seriously?
---------------- Hello!
You may be ready for marriage, but he's obviously not!
The first thing to consider is this: marriage means something
very different for you (as a woman) and for him (as a man.)
Whereas you view marriage as many positive things; security,
future, family, love, status, success, etc.; he views it as
many negative things: stress, loss of freedom, loss of choice,
responsibility, having a business partner to coordinate all
decisions, etc.
How do I know he sees marriage that way? Easy: the vast majority
of men do!
You see marriage as taking things to the next level whereas
he sees it as the end of something he enjoys now.
I'm going to tell you how to change this attitude, but let's
examine one more thing first: why are you focused on marriage
in the first place?
The realities of marriage are this:
* Marriage is not the relationship; it's a FORMAT for a relationship.
So is living together, dating, dating exclusively and about
1001 other formats.
* Marriage rarely makes the relationship better - in fact,
over 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce - a situation where
you'll come out far, far better than he will. Knowing those
odds alone should make him want to avoid all that pain.
* Knowing that you want to get married (I'm sure he does know
this by the way) also means that you're motivated to continue
to contribute to the relationship. In the vast majority of
cases, as soon as the wedding is over, women often stop contributing
to their relationships in the same way they did before the
marriage. After all, you now have what you wanted, and the
guy is stuck anyway. Often sex ends (or certain sex practices
end), women gain weight, pressure to buy homes and decorate
them in certain ways start, and pressure to have kids becomes
the focus - not the quality of the relationship itself.
Honestly, with all this considered, I'm surprised that men
get married at all these days!
So, I promised to tell you how to convince him to agree to
marry you. If you're still focused on this regardless of what
I've said, here's how you do it:
You get
to work discovering what your boyfriend really wants from
his relationship with you. What are the "golden rings" of
the relationship to him? Is it sex? Is it closeness? Is it
not being alone? Unlike the discovery you've done so far, you
need to really learn from a deep, personal, intimate way, what
benefits he gets and what new benefits he's looking for.
Second, you then simply need to become that woman to him!
Consider this: if he was getting everything he could ever
imagine in his relationship with you, do you think he'd ever
risk losing all of that? Of course not! He'd be on his knee
in an instant!
The problem is that he either isn't getting what he believes
he wants with you (regardless of what he tells you - his actions
speak volumes here) or he believes his benefits will go away;
rather than continue, after marriage.
If you can become the woman he can't live without, you'll
have your marriage. It's that simple.
Best regards...
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to me at dwneder@beingman.com
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a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
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Copyright (c) 2004-2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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