Pending Marriage Causes Concern

Doctor,

I am 27 years old and engaged to be married to a beautiful 27-year-old girl. We are getting married in a month and I have concerns. I love her, but lately feel resentment towards her. She had recently relocated in order to be with me and for about 2 months had no job. Because we had just moved into a new apartment, there was much to be done around the house and I had figured (expected?) her to do a majority of the work, as I was at work full time.

Each time I came home and found her sitting on the couch watching yet another TV show, and there were many things that needed to be done, I would feel the resentment, which I would occasionally verbalize. It ended up resulting in a verbal fight in which I accused her of not being a "team-player" and she repeatedly told me I was treating her like an indentured servant. Well, she got a job, but the issue never got dealt with to my satisfaction. As with many of our problems, it got brushed under the table and was met with animosity each time I would try and bring it up (very frustrating for me).

There are other issues such as her outright refusal to say she is sorry to me, and my willingness to say it even when I believe I was the one wronged. Yet another issue came up recently, and I know this will probably make me sound like a male pig. She has a very low sexual drive (I am the only person she has slept with), and we will set "dates" (rarely is it spontaneous) which always get canceled because of one excuse or another (most often: she is too tired). I have expressed my concerns saying that I love her, feel closer to her when we have sex, and I know my sex drive is much higher than hers (I'm sure most males are) and I am willing to compromise. I was treated as though I was a complete louse, which hurt me.

I know I have faults of my own and by no means do her "faults" outweigh her positive qualities, but the difference is I am willing to try and recognize my negative qualities and work on improving them; she seems unwilling and gets very short with me when I try to voice my concerns regarding them

I get married in one month, have a lot invested in our relationship (over 8 years) and am starting to get second thoughts. The thought of breaking it off though fills me with concern for her. I only want her to be happy and us to be happy and lately neither seems to be happening.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Hello "Concerned"!

DO NOT MARRY THIS WOMAN!!!!

Interesting way to start a response, don't you think? At least I got your attention, and you have every right to be "concerned"!

Now that I have that attention, let me ask you a question: How would you like to be in a relationship where the other person does absolutely nothing around the house or for you, starts to spend all of her time with her girlfriends, wants to take separate vacations, wants to spend her money only on herself, (while yours goes to paying all the household bills), AND never has sex with you again?

Then, some day down the road, (perhaps 10 years), you find that she's been cheating on you with some other guy, wants a divorce, blames you for everything and even tries to turn your friends and family against you, and you also have to support her for the next 20 years while she goes off and has a great time?

Well, that is EXACTLY the scenario you are building for yourself right here, right now. Make absolutely NO mistakes about this.

My brother, these are just SYMPTOMS of a much deeper problem. She feels that she "has" you since you're engaged and no longer feels that she has to work on herself or the relationship. This is the beginning of a downward spiral that is going to just get worse. Further, you have no communication together! Any problems that come up are going to stay with you just for this reason.

Let me give you another picture that I hope you will focus on: how about a wife that is excited about your marriage and lives together. She works on your "nest" because she takes pride in it. She works on herself too because she wants to look good for you. The sex is constantly getting better because she works on that too. You feel fully "invested" in her and the marriage because it makes you feel great about yourself, your world and your future.

She occasionally slips little notes into your jacket pocket, warning you about the events to come later that night, and is enthusiastic about what you are building as a "team". She spends time with her family and friends, and expects you to do the same because it's "healthy". You establish all sorts of friends with others of like mind and look forward to spending time with them, but even more - you enjoy spending time with each other.

How does this compare with your current relationship? I don't think it is very favorable, and believe me; it's just going to get worse - not better by marrying this woman!

As tough as it may be, I'd strongly urge you to call off the marriage until after you get these problems solved. As soon as one partner stops investing in the relationship, you have nothing to work with.

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.