Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
When Mom
Gets In The Way
Hi, I need help!
I'm, seeing a guy and everything in our world seems right and
amazing - except for my boyfriend's mother. She seems to think
I'm trying to take him away from her! That's not what I want
at all. He has an incredible family that he loves very much,
but she is trying to ruin our relationship!
His mom has even
gone so far as to expose some of my private medical information
to his out of town relatives. I wrote her a carefully worded
letter explaining that I did not like what she did. I even sent
it to my boyfriend so he could see it and know I wasn't being
mean or accusatory. He thought the letter was fine so I sent
it. She went through the roof after reading it and accused me
of being mean and hateful.
We have not spoken
since then. I keep my mouth shut most of the time when she says
or does something to upset me just because of my boyfriend.
I don't want him to be stuck in the middle of things. How do
I settle things with his mom to get past this problem? It doesn't
bother me if we're not friends. If she can't accept us together,
is there a way to just get a little peace? When he tries to
discuss it with her, she sees no wrong in what she has done.
She just keeps saying that I'm trying to put a wedge in between
her and him.
Can you please
help?
---------------------------
Hello!
Yes, mothers can
be quite a pain sometimes!
It sounds like
you've done just about everything you should from discussing
it with your boyfriend to reviewing the situation with your
friends and family. It sounds like your motives are non-sinister,
and that mom is just trying to create some problems. Here's
what I would do in the same situation:
1. Re-evaluate
your situation one more time and make sure that there is nothing
you're doing that may be a further cause of this.
2. Talk to your boyfriend again. It is his responsibility to
deal with his mother. If he can't, tell him to go get his testicles,
put them back in his pants and have a pow-wow with his mother
to get her off your back. He needs to tell her that he won't
tolerate this situation, as it is SHE (mom) that is driving
a wedge between them. If he can't seem to find where he left
his balls, have it write to me, and I tell him where to look!
3. Have a talk with mom yourself. Drop by when you know that
she's free, bring some pastries and hash out an understanding
with her. Explain that you LIKE their family (including her)
and want things to be good for everyone - including your boyfriend's
relationship with her. Say that you understand how important
her bond is with him, and see that a lot of the things you love
about him have come from her. Tell her that if she feels she's
losing him (which she's not) that you can help insure that she
doesn't. You should also drop the hint that you can also make
things worse, but you don't want to. Frankly, mom's an idiot
for not realizing this in the first place, and should be trying
to work with you to get on your good side.
4. If mom isn't able to see all of this, just know you've done
everything you can, and put it behind you. The problem is hers,
and frankly, you hold the keys here. You get to decide how much
time your boyfriend spends with his mom, if he's "free"
or not, etc. Tell him not to tell his mother about anything
in your relationship because you don't want it spread through
the rest of the family (mom has already proven that she can't
keep your secrets), and make him stick to it.
I know from personal
experience what kind of problem this is. If you've done everything
here and mom won't come around, it really isn't your problem
- it's hers. You can put it aside and move on knowing that you've
done everything you can. On the other hand, you and she may
even become friends someday!
Best regards...
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