More on Breaking Up

Dr. Neder:

I have been living with my boyfriend for two years. I've recently discovered that I have feelings for someone else. I tried to break up with him once already but couldn't do it. Breaking up will involve me staying in the apartment and him leaving.

It broke my heart to see him looking for apartments (sublets, shares, etc.). So I agreed to give him another chance. Now I know that it is over but I am afraid that I won't be strong enough to ask him to leave again. He is a really great guy, just not the guy for me. How can I be strong? I need advise for sticking to a decision and letting him go. Also, do I need to tell him about the other guy or will that just hurt him unnecessarily?

Help!

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Hello!

Let's face it; breaking up really IS hard to do!

First, I wouldn't tell him about the other guy. The relationship you and he had has just run it's course and it's time to move on. Telling him that he isn't enough for you is just going to damage his ego, and you obviously care for him even if you don't love him, so don't bring up the other guy.

Two big parts of sticking to a decision like this are: preparation and organization.

Here's the best you can do now:

1) Go through your place and make a list of his things and the things you jointly own. You'll need this later.

2) Confront him as soon as you can - today if possible - don't wait. Simply explain to him that you are ready to move on, and you need for him to do the same.

3) Give him the list you've made and let him review it. Of the things that you own jointly, decide how you're going to split those things up. Don't let your breakup hinge on any material thing. If there's a question, just give it to him.

4) Agree on an "exit plan". That is, he'll be out by a particular day. If he asks for your help, give it to him, but only on the understanding of getting it over with. Don't do it as a part of negotiation.

5) If he as friends or family in the local area, suggest that he stay with them until the date of his move. This will let you begin the separation immediately.

6) Review this article on breaking up for some additional ideas: http://www.beingaman.com/breaking_up.htm

This is a very tough thing to do for most people, but remember, you've spent time with him and he is a part of your life. You owe him the courtesy - and bravery - to do this right, and get it over with.

Best regards...

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