My Boring Life!

Doctor:

I have been separated and divorced after being married for 11 years. I have had two serious relationships since then, but nothing in 2 years.

My problem is that I'm so frightened of getting of hurt that when I do meet someone I do things to mess up the relationship and lately most of the men I've been meeting just want sex. I want a full-blown relationship and not just sex.

Also, I tend to find men my own age rather dull and boring. I'm 42 yrs. old but look and act much younger and adore younger men but keep meeting men my age or older and all they want is sex none of them want a relationship. I also leave myself emotionally unavailable and do not want to appear desperate or that I need a man so I tend to disassociate myself in a new relationship, therefore, receiving nothing back in return.

Also, my self-esteem is very low due to the betrayal of the former marriage spouse and the last two relationships. How can I get over this and force myself to get out and meet new people. All I do is work and come home. I never go out. Please could you send me some information or suggestions of how I can meet a decent man and women as well as I no longer have any lady friends as they are all married or just to busy with their children. I don't have any children and never will so I find it difficult to relate to people that have children as I have never had any and find these people with children boring and rather annoying as all they talk about is their children and I have nothing to say as I really do not like children but do not want to tell people this for fear of hurting their feelings.

Thank-you

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello!

First of all, if you're not giving yourself emotionally to the relationship, can you see why the men you've met are only interested in sex? Of course sex IS an important part of a relationship - I don't care what anybody says. However, if that's all you have - no fun, no "friendship", no communication, no caring, it's empty, as you've described. If you're not willing to invest yourself - even a little - don't be surprised when the guys you meet aren't either.

Further, if you're focused on being hurt, you're never going to open yourself up to the possibilities of being happy! Relationships are all about risk. That's just the way it is and you're going to have to accept that risk if you want something better.

In order to meet interesting people, you yourself need to be interesting. The very best way to do this is to get one or more hobbies. There are a ton of great, fun things to do out there in this big world! For instance, you could take up golf. There are a large number of single's organizations related to playing golf. Scuba diving, skiing, books, car maintenance - whatever! There are a thousand and one fun things to get yourself interested in.

What's even better about this is that as you begin to explore these new things, there are classes and clubs related directly to them where like-minded people can meet. You start to expand your horizons and you also start to meet interesting people with whom you instantly have something in common.

There are also social clubs all over the country you can try. For instance here in Los Angeles, there are organizations like "LA People Connection" that hosts around 200 different events every month! They do all sorts of fun things and give their members a chance to meet new friends - and more. There are also chapters of "No Kidding!" all over the country. These are clubs for childless people. I'm sure there are similar organizations in your area.

The bottom line is to get yourself out there and find new, fun things to do. The world is waiting - all you have to do is open the door and step outside.

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.