My "Friend" Wants More

Hey Doctor, maybe you can help me with what is probably a classic problem.

I've been friends with a girl in my university program for 3 years now, and while I was on studying abroad this past semester, she emailed me and said she wanted 'to give us a try' as a couple. She said she felt she didn't want to miss this opportunity. I had just started my exchange semester, and I didn't even want to think about it...firstly because I had met so many beautiful women so far on the trip, and secondly, because this girl was sooooo far away and I wouldn't even see her for another few months.

So I wrote back telling her that I was working out a lot of things in my life on this trip and although her suggestion was not a total shock, I could not start a relationship at the time under those circumstances. She wrote back and agreed that it was rather impulsive and that she supported what I was doing.

Now that I have returned home, I can't stop thinking about it. She is a very special girl. She has a lot of the attributes I look for...in fact, there was a time in our first year when I may have been interested, that is, before we became friends.

Now, I don't know what to do. Should I risk the friendship? I already feel awkward around her, because I know how she feels. She had been bottling those feelings up for a while. We have not spoken of the email face to face...I don't think that would be a good idea either because it would not serve a purpose unless I was asking her out or something.

What I want to know from you is that IF I decide to ask her out, how should I do it? Should I expect a 'YES'. Is it quite possible that she would say 'No'? Does it matter? I'm already at an advantage in a way, but would she feel disadvantaged if I asked her out because I already know she likes me. The way I figure it, I should take it from a 'fresh start' point of view; pretend that she never sent that email. That way, if she says no, I won't be confused and it would make her feel like she could say no if she wanted.

What do you think? What complicates this issue is the number of common friends we have - people talk, which makes life harder since we all study together and are all going into our final year.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello!

It's almost a given - as soon as a guy gets scarce, that "friend" he's been wanting to turn into something else finally gets the clue and does it first! I just wish guys would believe this, as your example (and tons of others show!)

You've asked if you should "risk the friendship", and obviously, I can't answer that specifically for you because I don't know what the "friendship" means to anyone involved, However, that said, if you move ahead with something more with her, the friendship will absolutely be over. There's no changing that fact. But then, so what? If all you're looking for is friendships and not relationships, do nothing.

You'll have to decide if you DO want something more, and if you want something more with this woman or not. If so, here's what you do next.

First, when you're alone with her, tell her to clear her Saturday night - don't ask her, just tell her - and say you'll pick her up at 7 pm (or whenever). Next, show up with a different attitude. This is now a date. When you pick her up, kiss her right then and there. Not only will this set the tone of the evening, but it will really throw her off balance - something she'll actually appreciate. If you need some tips on this, here's an article that will help:

http://www.beingaman.com/the_opening_kiss.htm

During your date, go out, have fun, but don't go to the movies or a concert. You need some "face time" with her. You want to be romantic and close, but turn the conversation around to talk about how she sees a possible relationship with you. Ask her to describe it. It will be somewhat uncomfortable at first - that's normal, but don't leave things up in the air if you really want something with her. You're just trying to determine if you and she want the same things. By the way, making this a romantic date is a critical step - I call this "getting her into state", so that she can see, feel, hear, taste and smell what it would be like.

Finally, after you've talked about it, don't hesitate to discuss what you want to do with your friends! They are her friends too, and if you think they may not be conducive to building your relationship - especially early on - agree to hide it until it is something more solid.

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.