My Girlfriend is Married

Dr. Neder:

After reading your contributions elsewhere on the Internet, writing you seemed to be the only sensible thing to do. You see just as so many before me, I too am in love with a married woman.

Going strong for the past six months, our torrid affair is seemingly blissful with no end in sight, wherein lies my quandary. What effect(s) might our affair have on our future together?

We've known each other for five years through mutual friends, but recently became reacquainted six months ago. Both of us are in our twenties; she three years my senior. I'm a junior in college, while she's in her last year. Neither of us have any children, although we'd both like to have many. We live in different cities down south with an eight hour drive between us.

Since we began seeing each other romantically we spend one or two weekends each month together; usually where we grew up, where our families, her best friend, and great memories reside, although we occasionally go on trips out of town.

We're madly in love and spend every hour thinking of each other. We talk on the phone until our ears fall off and write each other via snail mail.

Why aren't we together you ask? She tells me it's difficult for her to rock the boat so severely. She's probably grown accustomed to her lifestyle. The holidays are upon us. I just don't know. Without ever giving me any phony dates by which she might be divorced, she's at least remained consistent; consistently unable to commit. Should I give her an ultimatum with some type of projected date for her to at the very least retain an attorney?

I'm looking for any help I can get in this matter.

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Hello!

Here's the bottom line: she's using you for the sex, emotional support and ego-boost she's not getting at home. It's that simple. Further, she doesn't have enough class to do the right thing by her husband and his family and instead simply lies to them without regards. How does that sound?

Consider that this is almost a pathological problem! If she were to ever divorce her husband to be with you, (and frankly, why should she do that? She's only interested in you for what you're giving her), she'd still be the same liar she is now. The only difference is that she'd be lying to you instead of her husband. Simply telling one truth (about not promising you a divorce date) doesn't make her "truthful". She's discovered that you'll accept things as they are.

You have other problems with this relationship including the fact that you both are so far away. Distance is always a relationship killer. Her lying is going to come back to bite you as well. Believe me, her husband isn't the only one that is being lied to here. I can assure you that she's lying to you too about something. When it gets this bad, it's not really about lying verses the truth; it's only about the lies.

What about her relationship with her husband? What exactly does she get from it? Is he wealthy and she gets the benefit of his money? Is he powerful and she gets status? You see, love would compel her to move away from all of this, and that is the last problem I'm going to bring to light for you - she doesn't love you. If she did, she'd be rushing headlong to a divorce attorney so that she could have you entirely. Right now, she doesn't need to because she's not in love with you.

So, you question: "Have I seen other relationships like this one that worked?" The answer lies in your goals. If it's only for the sex and weekend companionship, then, yes - they work. However, you seem to want more, and that's where you're going to fail with this one. Trust me.

Best regards...

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