My Girlfriend is a Spy!

Dear Doctor,

This is the first time I've ever written for advice like this, but this is the first time I've felt I really HAD to. I'm 25 years old living with a 28 year-old woman. About 8 months before we started dating, a previous relationship of over 4 years ended. It was not a bitter breakup, we dated in college; then she went her way and I remained to pursue my law degree.

Even though, I took it pretty hard and became bitter. Eventually, I worked through most of my issues involving that breakup, but the beginning of my current relationship occurred during the tail-end of my "getting over it." Therefore, I admittedly made some mistakes and treated her unfairly in the beginning, and I have apologized and tried to make up for that time and time again.

My real problem begins last fall, when I received a short, friendly, completely non-romantic email from my ex, wishing me a happy birthday. I was honest with my current girlfriend, and told her about the e-mail. She blew up, demanded to know why I was still keeping in touch with my ex, and refused to believe my honest assertion that my communicating with her did not mean that I was "not over it" or was secretly trying to maintain a second relationship. It was simply keeping in touch with a friend.

A month or so later, my girlfriend issued an ultimatum: either cease all contact with my ex, or the relationship ends. I saw this as a completely irrational reaction to what was in fact a completely innocent correspondence. I agreed to sever all ties with my ex, but secretly continued my infrequent correspondence, deciding not to tell her about it.

Last night, she revealed to me that she had been essentially spying on me; going through my e-mails for the past few months until she found what she was looking for: a quick, platonic, non-romantic, non-intimate, friendly e-mail from my ex that just asked how I'm doing – nothing emotional.

Now she claims that I lied because I can't "let go" of my ex! She claims she got "suspicious," and uses that suspicion to justify her invasion of my privacy and can't believe anything I say.

This is a very messy situation, and seems to be pretty unique (haven't found any specific advice either online or through my friends in whom I confide). I really love my girlfriend and want her to trust me enough to respect my decision to maintain a loose "friends-only" e-mail correspondence with a person who was, over all else, always a good FRIEND to me.

Any advice/insight would be GREATLY appreciated

================

Hello!

Why oh why do guys come to me only AFTER they get themselves in hot water? Do you know that if you had just read my first book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" you could have completely prevented this before it happened? This is what I call in the book, "The Test". Now you have to do damage control rather than addressing it when it first happened. You could have actually turned it into something that built, rather than destroyed your relationship! Let's start with this: go take a look at the book (and the second) as you're going to need a new education about women: http://beingaman.com.

Ok, first of all, you should never have told her about these emails in the first place. That's just a beginner's mistake. Why give women ammunition? They don't need your help to cause you these problems - they are perfectly great at doing it all themselves. There's nothing wrong with keeping a few unknowns in your closet. Sure, you just figured that by doing "full disclosure", you were somehow showing her that she could trust you. That's not how women (or trust!) works! Women will gather up all of the things you say or do as fodder for later transgressions. NEVER, NEVER give them something else for free!

Second, when you lie, you have to fully cover your tracks. Women are expert liars as you're going to find out in your practice of law. They know all the tricks. Men on the other hand are terrible liars, and worse yet, we live with stigma that compels us NOT to lie like "honor". Women are under no such stigma.

In my second book, I talk exactly about this - how to lie effectively. You (and every man) needs to understand these skills because women know them intuitively. Whereas men will often cover their lies 2 or even 3 levels deep, women cover their lies to the source - and will go there to find yours. You can't be lax when it comes to covering lies. By learning how to lie, you'll also learn the tools women use against you both when they lie and when they suspect you of lying. One more point about lying: Everyone and I mean everyone does it. Nobody including your girlfriend is immune as it's such an ingrained part of our culture and language systems. If any ever tells you they have never lied - guess what? They are lying!

Ok, some "facts":

1) Remember: just because you didn't treat your girlfriend as well as you would have liked when you first met her, SHE was with you because SHE felt that SHE benefited! This was regardless of your situation. You don't own her anything more. She made her own choices and just because you changed yours doesn't mean that you own her any penance.

2) Women will always go through all of your stuff - boxes, letters, email, cell phones, etc. looking for dirt. They just can't help it! You need to know that no matter how many promises she makes not to do it, she's going to do it! You didn't give her a key to your place did you? Even if she gives it back to you, there's another copy - trust me. I see it all the time. You're going to have to fully cover your tracks - there's no other way. The books will show you how.

3) I have a rule: anything found during the invasion of a person's privacy is null and void. The commission of this crime is SO bad, that nothing else could ever equal it. Everyone deserves privacy - even if you're married. No exceptions. She invaded your personal space and your privacy! This is a foundational human right, yet she thinks it's ok and is making YOU the bad guy just because she found something she doesn't even understand!

4) This woman is making you pay for things you haven't even done! She knows that she can get away with this because you don't know how to handle it. Thus, she can keep racking up charges as long as she wants and get you to jump like a trained dog anywhere and everywhere she wants. This is typical female behavior. She knows she's not going to get you to do what she wants through brute force. So, she (and every other woman out there) has evolved a serious to tools and techniques (like this one) to get you "under control". Offensive? You bet, but it only exists because YOU let it happen by being uneducated.

5) Trust can NEVER come from something someone else does or says. It comes from inside. This woman doesn't trust her own intuition or actions enough and wants to make YOU responsible for them instead! Pretty good deal - for her. Bad deal for you. Don't play that game!

My brother, I never have to put up with any of this crap from the women I date. So what's the difference between you and me? Simple: an education. I set the rules in my relationship. I insure that women know I have a right to privacy (even though I'm a public person) and that they will, under no circumstance violate that right. I give them that privacy too - and we have mutual respect. Does any of your situation sound "respectful" on her part? Not to me. Did you ever stop to think about that?

The bottom line:

You have a right to continue your minor friendship with your ex. After all, she's hundreds or thousands of miles away and isn't a threat to your girlfriend. You also have a right to privacy and to not being spied on. Your ex controls the sex as do all women. That's not a threat to your girlfriend in any way and she knows it. This is about a power struggle, pure and simple.

You need some new philosophy about women and your relationships with them. I strongly urge you to read "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and get your education straightened out.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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