My Unfaithful Girlfriend

Dr. Neder,

I was reading an article of a person you helped and wanted to ask you a question.

My relationship with my girlfriend started about 9 month's ago, at the beginning she liked my look, and asked for a friend to meet me. About a week later we met and got to know each other and finally started dating.

As time passed, we started to get to know each other very well until one time she comes to me and says "we need to talk" I knew at that point that it was going to be about something serious so we went to the college lounge. She told me about her past, and I was really shocked by it! She said that when she was about 14 years old, she was molested, and as a result became very promiscuous.

She told me that when she turned 18 and finished school she started working and studying in a different college. Since living in both environments allowed her to met a lot of people and started dating some of them and having one night stands with others, the number of people she had sex with different partners was about 32 guys in one year!

I was so shocked about it that I told her I would needed some time to reevaluate our relationship. Time passed and I kept thinking about what happened between us, I really liked this girl and she really liked me. For her to tell me those things I believed it was a sign of her trusting me, and at the same time I though that maybe some people just deserved a second chance. So I went to her place and told her that I could deal with her past.

Our relationship was amazing that we even became best friends. We got to know each other so well, that eventually both of us fell in love. I even met her parents and they loved me. So at the end of the school year for the summer I went away from the US and she stayed with her parents for about 3 months. We kept our relationship alive by keeping in touch with each other through emails and letters.

When we finally got back together in August I saw her and things were not the same, I expected it might it since time and distance often change people. However we kept our promise on being together so we continued the relationship and it was still good, a little different but good since we were still in love.

About a month later one of my close friends comes to me and tells me that he has terrible news for me, he said that he overheard her roommates criticizing her for cheating one me. I could not believe this! I couldn't believe that the person I loved would do that to me, so I went to her room and asked her if it was true. She told me it was true but she still loved me.

She cheated on me twice, the first time was after visiting her parents (after falling in love), she said she did it with her ex-boyfriend she told me that she didn't want to do it, however her ex pushed her so finally she gave in and had sex with him.

The other time she did it in her apartment lounge with a stranger she met that night thanks to her roommates. She did it in the lounge while her roommates were in the room, so obviously they found out and that is how I found out.

I was so upset, confused and sad about it that I didn't know what to do. 4 days passed and I asked her to come to my room to discuss what happened. I asked her why she cheated on me and she said that she doesn't know. I asked her if she loves me and she said yes. So I was so confused that I told her to prove her love to me. I asked her to call her mom at midnight in front of me and tell her with how many guys she had slept.

She did it, and I realized that she did love me so I accepted her back. She even said that out of all the men she'd been with, I was the only one she was going to marry and have children with because I accepted her based on what she is and I accepted her past.

Even so, I somehow stopped trusting her. In the beginning of our relationship she was constantly trying to please me, trying to earn my trust and she did. Afterwards she started to change a little bit, we were still talking and everything but I noticed she seems more distant from me. After about a month, she came to me and said that she wanted to end the relationship.

Right now she is going out once a week with her ex-boyfriend (the guy slept with while I was out of the country). It really hurts and I don't know what to do, some of my friends say to me that I should move on while others say to me that maybe she just needs some time away because she doesn't want to hurt me again. I really need some help since this girl is completely different from any others I have dated because of her past.

I am still in love with this girl!

--------------------------------

Hello!

My brother, what the hell are you thinking? How low is your self-esteem to put up with this bullshit? Since I'm not there, would you do me a favor and get one of your buddies to slap you into next Tuesday for me?

There is nothing wrong with a woman having a lot of lovers in her past. That isn't an issue here. What ARE issues include:

1) She cheated on you, not once, but twice in a short time and you took her back;
2) She cheated on you with an ex-boyfriend, which means she still kept in touch with them;
3) She's dumped you for this guy (also a jackass for taking her back);
4) You still want to be her friend; and,
5) You would even consider getting back with this bitch.

This is possibly a sign of a severe mental illness, and you might seriously want to consult a professional for some perspective.

What could possibly be going through your mind to think that you would ever get back with her under any circumstance? Just because the sex was great? Of course it was - look at how much experience she has!

Further, that excuse about being molested as a child is just that - an excuse! She's an adult now, and needs to deal with it. You are neither responsible for it, nor are you able to help her - SHE has to do that. It is only an excuse she uses on gullible guys (like you), to explain her unacceptable past. DO NOT buy into it.

My brother, get your head back on straight. You don't want this girl in your life. She's only going to continue to take advantage of your trust and belief in her and you're going to continue to get kicked in the head over and over again. MOVE ON!

DO NOT call this girl, write to her, accept her calls or letters or email. DO NOT run into her, talk to her or have any further contact with her.

I'd strongly urge you to get and read, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" to really learn what's going on here. If you don't get this problem solved for yourself, you're just going to go through life repeating it over and over again.

You deserve better than this.

Best regards...

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