Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
I Have
Never Been On A Date
Hi Doc:
I am 30 years old and have never been on a date. I had very
bad anxiety because of my obsessive compulsive disorder. It's
not as bad now, but I don't have much experience talking to
people. I talk to people at work and they want to help me,
but I fear I am not experienced enough. I don't drink, dance,
smoke or do drugs. I don't go to clubs or bars or anything.
All the places I go seem pretty boring to others when I think
about it and it's hard for me to want to go anywhere else.
I have no idea what to do.
Please advise.
------------------------------ Hello!
First of all, open the lid to the box you've created for yourself
and get some air!
More than half of your question was telling me about all the
things you don't do. What about the things you DO do? What
you're doing is creating all sorts of mental barriers to having
what you want rather than seeing all the opportunities that
you do have.
This is
where we need to begin - by changing you from a "move
away" type of person to a "moving toward" type
of person. In other words, by focusing in what you don't do;
don't have; don't want, etc., you're pushing your own life
away from you. Frankly, that's entirely the wrong focus here.
What you want to do is to focus on specifically what you do
what, what you do like, etc.
You see,
great women are all over the place. Every time you go out
to grab a bite to eat, go to the bookstore,
go fill
your car with gas, go to the doctor or even go to work - you
see great women there. These are your "opportunities".
The only challenge you face is that you don't have enough experience
or security in order to meet these women.
This has been a pattern for 30 years of your life. How has
that worked out for you? Is it getting you where you want to
go? Are you happy with the results? Obviously, you are not.
You know there is more out there for you and you want to have
that. I want you to have that too. So, what separates you from
having what you want? Answer: two things: attitude and education.
That's it! Seems overly simple doesn't it? Well, it's not.
We start
by changing your attitude from "can't", "won't", "don't" to "can", "will" and "do".
This is the beginning of everything, and is based on pure belief-science.
In fact, it works for you just as it does everyone else. It's
time to start seeing the possibilities here.
You should also understand that you're not alone here. I get
letters every week from guys (and girls too!) just like you
that are in their 20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and even 60's that
have never been on a date or even kissed someone else! These
people can change their lives and so can you. You simply have
to believe it's true so that you start seeing opportunity all
around you rather than limitations. The only limitations you
face are within those 6 inches between your ears.
Now, on to the next part, the education.
Let's say that you knew exactly what to say to some woman
you thought was cute. Then, when she responded (well by the
way - people are generally interested in meeting and talking
with other people they find interesting) you could respond
equally well and with confidence. Do you think you'd have trouble
talking to women - or anyone for that matter? Of course not.
It'd almost be easy, even fun!
That's the way this evolution happens. You begin your education
by learning some simple facts about us humans. One of the most
important is this: everyone is most interested in just one
thing: themselves. Armed with that knowledge, all you need
is to talk about your targets (the woman you want to approach)
favorite subject: herself!
I'm getting
a little ahead of myself however because before you start
talking to her about her, you first
need to find
and approach her, right? As I've already said, this is actually
pretty easy too. Great women are everywhere! You just have
to be outside your own home to meet them. Next comes the approach.
How do you actually strike up a conversation with someone?
I teach a thing called "context". It's very simple.
All you have to do is to ask yourself, "what do her and
I have in common at this very instant in time at this very
place?" It could be the fact that she likes sub sandwiches
(sandwich shop), or reads fiction (bookstore) or owns a car
and needs to have new tires put on it (tire shop), etc. It
could even be the weather or the fact that you both live in
the same city. In fact, the context doesn't really even matter!
It can be absolutely anything!
Once you start the approach, you learn to ask open-ended questions
in order to get her talking and by doing so, you begin to establish
rapport and connection (using communication skills that you'll
learn) which leads to attraction. Finally, you close for numbers
or even impromptu dates. It all seems very simple, because
it is!
The trick
however is to learn all of these skills just like you learn
to do your job. Which is more
important to you? Obviously
you have to work to survive, but you have to love to really
live! I suggest you get started right away on building this
new knowledge base. Go get copies of my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World I & II" and get started with
your education. You've already spent 30 years not knowing all
of these things. Why not spend the next year building that
knowledge so that you can spend the next 30 years exploiting
it?
Best regards...
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Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page
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Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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