Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
My Parents
Don't Like My Boyfriend
Hello!
I have a fairly serious issue regarding my parents and my
relationship with my boyfriend. I am 22 years old and I live
completely on my own, however, my parents still give me problems
about my boyfriend. My boyfriend and I have been dating for
over 3 years. I love him very much and he loves me very much.
Unfortunately, my parents don't like him at all!
He is 29 years old and he didn't go to college (which is their
biggest problem with him). He is a carpenter and they have
issues with that. He had some trouble getting his life on track
but he is doing pretty well now. Basically, every time I am
with him I feel guilty because I know my parents are angry.
I am going away with him this weekend for his birthday and
I got the typical attitude from my parents when I mentioned
it.
My mom stopped speaking to me for a week one time after I
mentioned I was going over to my boyfriend's house for the
night. Now I can't tell her where I am when I am with him and
it is absolutely ridiculous in my mind, especially since I
do live on my own and pay everything on my own. I have a great
job and a great apartment and I don't really need my parents
for anything.
They just can't seem to let go, though. On top of all of that
my boyfriend is starting to feel like I'm hiding him, which
makes me feel awful. I feel like I'm always lying and hiding
things and I just don't want to do it anymore. How do I handle
my parents?
Please help!
----------------------------- Hello!
You handle it by realizing that it's their problem - not yours.
Just because
they're your parents doesn't mean that they're "wise".
In fact, this is down-right stupid! (Feel free to tell them
I said so if you wish.) They feel that punishing you by withholding
their love is going to motivate you to do the things they want
you to do. Frankly, that's pretty screwed up, but not as screwed
up as you letting them do it to you!
You're an adult with your own direction now and you are free
to make whatever decisions about your life you wish to make.
Your parents on the other hand are free to give you the respect
and coutesy you deserve in those decisions. If they don't like
them and they've told you (obviously) then they're free to
shut the hell up and treat you as an adult!
You have to help them here however. I'm not recommending that
you astrange yourself from your folks, but frankly, if they
insist on this childish game, then they don't deserve to have
access to your life.
In fact, look at what's happening: you're not changing your
relationship, you're just driving it underground. Is that really
the kind of relationship your parents want with you? If so,
then you haven't lost very much in my humble.
Tell them to back the hell off already. They don't have to
love your boyfriend if they don't want to, but they'd better
damn well respect your decisions as the adult you are - and
treat you AND your decisions with respect. After all, they
spent the first part of your life giving you the tools to make
these decisions. To come back now and be unhappy about the
way you're using them doesn't reflect poorly on you, it reflects
poorly on them.
Best regards...
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