Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Messing
Up The Perfect Thing
Dr. Dennis W. Neder:
Good Morning!
I was on your site today and read several of your Q & A's
and I have to say that I am very impressed with your down
to earth no b. s. responses.
With that said;
I have a question for you, I know you are surprised.
I am a 36 year old, single mother of 4. I know what you are
thinking. RUN.. really it isn't that bad, I promise.
Anyway, I have been living with a man of the same age for
the past year. We are both financially secure; we both own
homes and pay our own bills. His house sits vacant and we pick
his mail up once a week. I am sure you get the idea. The children
adore him and my seven-year-old refers to him as his step-dad.
We enjoy each other sexually and enjoy training together for
marathons, and in general we have the perfect thing. We also
have started a company together which we still have our day
jobs.
We have many differences between us, but these are not a problem
at all and we've found ways to work through them. For example,
he's a perfectionist and I am not. He likes things orderly
where I can handle just about anything. We resolve differences
in different ways, etc.
I've always had a goal, to be happily married however. I have
been married twice and have known both times that it was not
right however pregnancy came with both decisions and wanting
to do the right thing. Now I know that I have met the right
person but he is afraid of marriage - not commitment; marriage.
His last relationship lasted 8 years with no kids or marriage.
I have
always had a 2 ½ year rule that
if I guy I was involved with hadn't shown signs of committing,
i.e.; a ring,
then I would end the relationship. I have told him this and
he has made a couple of comments about how I am pressuring
him. With that said I have told him I am not pressuring him
but I want him to be aware of my timeline and desires.
So the
real question is should I push for commitment because of
the children or should I "enjoy" the
commitment the way it is? Also, when do you think I should
expect him
to sell or rent his house?
Thank you for your time and I look forward to hearing from
you soon!
By
the way, I am going to buy your book.
----------------- Hello!
I may be
thinking "RUN!!!" but I'd
never admit it! ;)
Let me ask YOU a question [rhetorically]: would you really
break up this seemingly perfect relationship just because you
don't have a contract and a piece of jewelry? If so, I think
that's very sad and short-sighted. Powerful, happy, satisfying
relationships don't come along that often and with all that
you two have in common, the business, the kids, the finances,
etc., I think you're making a mistake here.
Let's cover a few important facts:
First
of all, marriage isn't a "relationship", it's
a FORMAT of a relationship. So is living together, dating exclusively,
dating non-exclusively, triads, quadrads, those with kids,
those without kids, those with pets, etc., etc., etc. There
are literally thousands of different relationship formats out
there. None is more "valid" than any other.
Second of all, being married doesn't give you any more security
than not being married. He can leave you just as well as he
can now.
Third of all, men and women view marriage as very different
things. Women see marriage as security (false, as I've already
explained), future, family, status, and many other things.
Men on the other hand see marriage as responsibility, stress,
loss of freedom, loss of choice, having a business partner
to share in all of their decisions, and many other negative
things. With this understanding, it's a wonder that any man
gets married in the first place!
Fourth of all, if being married is so gosh-darn important
to you, what are you waiting for? I'd bet you can find someone
in the next 30 days that would marry you if you just ask enough
people. Then, you'd finally be happy, right? Everything would
be just fine because you're married and you wouldn't have to
go through all of this, right? Of course not. Marriage has
little to do with happiness. Trust me on this.
Fifth of
all, consider that 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce. Of
the 1/2 that survive, how many of them
do you think that
the people in them report as being "happy"? Do you
think it's 90%? Do you think it's 75%? Nope: only 30% of married
partners claim that they're "happy" inside the marriage!
That means that 15% of all marriages are happy. Those aren't
very good odds!
I'm not trying to paint a bleak picture here of marriage for
you, but I'm trying to help you change your focus. Marriage
isn't the goal - having a good, solid, happy relationship;
where all people involved (even your kids) should be the goal.
Whatever form that relationship takes to make it this way is
the one you really want, right? Frankly, if you're that focused
on the marriage and are willing to give up all the other things
that are so important, as I've already said, you're really
missing the boat here.
Ok, now
that I've given you the bad news, let me give you some good
news. There IS a way to help ease your
partner into
a "marriage-state-of-mind". Here it is:
Considering all that I've told you, in fact, many men do get
married. They each have their own unique reason for doing so.
What you need to do is to find out what those reasons are for
your boyfriend. What is he looking for that would make him
consider being married, and taking on the stress, loss of freedom,
etc., in exchange for giving you what you want? You need to
discover this clearly and specifically. When you do, all you
need is one more step: Just become this woman for him. Grow
into the person for whom he overcomes his negative ideas of
marriage and you'll be getting your own goals met too.
Best regards...
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Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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