Rebuilding Trust

Doctor:

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year & a half now. We both feel that we are truly each other's soul mates and the relationship we have is a special one that only comes once in a lifetime. But, just like any other couple we have had our rough times and "tests" to see if we are really destined to be with each other.

Eight months into our relationship we started experiencing the normal daily fights and tensions couples go through. And during that time I was under the influence of Depo-Provera, a form of birth control that lasts for 3 months and has a big effect on a woman's emotions. During that time I would cry for almost anything and I know it would aggravate my partner. Even though I would remind him that it was out of my control, he would still not believe me and think I was just blaming it on the shot. I recently found out that during that time (exactly 1 month) he was seeing someone else.

When I confronted him about it, of course he denied it at first, but then he started crying and he told me the truth about the matter and how sorry he was and that he doesn't know how he could have done that to me at a time I needed him the most. He reminds me that it was almost a year ago and he did not feel anything for her nor engage in any sexual activities with her (I called her to confirm this by the way).

Now he realizes that the shot did influence the way I was acting and he says he made the biggest mistake of his life and he is extremely sorry for it and he will make it up to me. I broke up with him and made him suffer for a whole week, but I can't deny the fact that I still love him and he has showed me he is sorry.

My problem is this: now that we are together again how do I learn to trust him and know that he will not hurt me? He claims that he has learned his lesson and the thought of loosing me just drives him crazy! Everyone tells me to forget about that incident and forgive him, but I just don't want it to happen again.

HELP ME PLEASE!!! How can I trust him again and get back the beautiful relationship we once had?

Hello!

If you're looking for a relationship where there are absolute assurances that you won't be hurt, you need to forget it and just accept the fact that you'll be alone the rest of your life. My dear, there just isn't such a thing. It's impossible to have for yourself or to expect anyone to promise you.

Regarding "trust" let me ask you a question: do you "trust" him to get something up from the store that he said he would? Do you "trust" him to pick you up when he as promised? Do you "trust" him to not steal your money, and to not burn your house down? My point is this: trust is a matter of degree. You've asked me how you can learn to trust him again. The fact is, you already do.

Let's look at things a little differently. Just like you said, you "...broke up with him and made him suffer for a whole week." This doesn't sound like love to me. It sounds like revenge. Worse yet, you did this for what? He didn't even sleep with her! You confirmed that yourself! All of this drama has come about just because he spent time with her any maybe even kissed her? I think your actions are cruel and not that of someone that loves someone else.

Despite what you think, or what you wish - you can't "own" another person. Even a married person is free to make his or her own choices. You can't make him do anything and in fact, have caused damage to your own relationship by trying to "punish" him. My question is: how can he trust YOU?

The only place you can look for trust is within yourself. You need to see things from a different perspective - that YOU are in control only of YOU - nobody else. Taking responsibility for oneself is the highest way to live. Trying to make others do that for you is the lowest. You deserve better than this.

Don't place your well being in someone else's hands. What if he doesn't live up to it? Instead, come to the realization that you are worthy of his fidelity, and expect him to abide by it. If you don't get it, you'll understand that you've simply made a mistake in your belief of who he is, and you can move on to find someone that DOES meet it, with you head high, and your self-esteem intact.

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.