Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
When Three's
Company
Doc:
My boyfriend & me have been
together for 6 years. I've known for a long time how attracted
I am
to other women and
he never seemed to mind. I told him
I'd like to try it & he said
“ok”. I found a few girls online, like me they're also in
committed
relationships. I've
become close to two of them, though we have not yet met, and
now he says he wants to join us. They have no objections to
him viewing, but wouldn’t want him to join us because, as I
said, they're attached.
This goes back to a would-be foursome
that wound up a threesome between us and a friend of his,
cause
that guy's girl never
showed & we still had sex. We both came out of it regretful
and now he bases his decision change on that event. He thinks
that's grounds for having sex with another girl. But, I didn't
want to go forward with it – he did. He's way more sexually
experienced than me & I'm afraid he'll cheat on me with
a new girl. I'm also afraid I'll be jealous and hurt.
What do you think?
---------------------------------
Hello! Threesomes can be very difficult unless you get the priorities
straight up front. Even with this, they still aren’t easy.
Do you risk him being more attracted to a woman that you bring
in? Yes you do, but then, so did he when he brought in a male
partner - even though it was to be a foursome - and agreed
to go ahead anyway. This is where the priorities come in.
I never recommend that anyone consider a third (or forth,
or fifth, etc.) partner of any sex unless the primary relationship
is rock-solid. That doesn't necessarily mean that you're married,
or even planning on being married. It means that you have a
spoken understanding of what bringing in another partner really
means to your relationship, and what both your expectations
will be.
I have known many relationships that have thrived with other
people in them beyond the couple. Every one of these that have
been successful are always full of communication, understanding,
consideration and caring.
I even know of a few successful relationships where both people
pursued relationships outside of the primary in order to bring
the new partners into it. This isn't common however, and is
actually quite difficult to do, given the perspective of our
societies views on sex and relationships, but it can be done.
In your case, it sounds like you
really haven't talked this out. Simply pursing a threesome
to "balance the books" isn't
a good idea as it comes from the wrong perspective. If you
both chose a threesome as an enhancement of your existing relationship
- even if it becomes a regular part, you've got a completely
different direction than what you've told me.
My suggestion is this: sit down and have a real talk with
your boyfriend. Find out how he feels and share your concerns.
Decide up front what you're going to do to handle any problems
and recommit to your relationship. If all these things are
in place, both of you are going to feel better about a threesome.
If anything about it doesn't come together, forget it - its
only going to damage your relationship.
Best regards...
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