When Three's Company

Doc:

My boyfriend & me have been together for 6 years. I've known for a long time how attracted I am to other women and he never seemed to mind. I told him

I'd like to try it & he said “ok”. I found a few girls online, like me they're also in committed relationships. I've become close to two of them, though we have not yet met, and now he says he wants to join us. They have no objections to him viewing, but wouldn’t want him to join us because, as I said, they're attached.

This goes back to a would-be foursome that wound up a threesome between us and a friend of his, cause that guy's girl never showed & we still had sex. We both came out of it regretful and now he bases his decision change on that event. He thinks that's grounds for having sex with another girl. But, I didn't want to go forward with it – he did. He's way more sexually experienced than me & I'm afraid he'll cheat on me with a new girl. I'm also afraid I'll be jealous and hurt.

What do you think?

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Hello!

Threesomes can be very difficult unless you get the priorities straight up front. Even with this, they still aren’t easy.

Do you risk him being more attracted to a woman that you bring in? Yes you do, but then, so did he when he brought in a male partner - even though it was to be a foursome - and agreed to go ahead anyway. This is where the priorities come in.

I never recommend that anyone consider a third (or forth, or fifth, etc.) partner of any sex unless the primary relationship is rock-solid. That doesn't necessarily mean that you're married, or even planning on being married. It means that you have a spoken understanding of what bringing in another partner really means to your relationship, and what both your expectations will be.

I have known many relationships that have thrived with other people in them beyond the couple. Every one of these that have been successful are always full of communication, understanding, consideration and caring.

I even know of a few successful relationships where both people pursued relationships outside of the primary in order to bring the new partners into it. This isn't common however, and is actually quite difficult to do, given the perspective of our societies views on sex and relationships, but it can be done.

In your case, it sounds like you really haven't talked this out. Simply pursing a threesome to "balance the books" isn't a good idea as it comes from the wrong perspective. If you both chose a threesome as an enhancement of your existing relationship - even if it becomes a regular part, you've got a completely different direction than what you've told me.

My suggestion is this: sit down and have a real talk with your boyfriend. Find out how he feels and share your concerns. Decide up front what you're going to do to handle any problems and recommit to your relationship. If all these things are in place, both of you are going to feel better about a threesome. If anything about it doesn't come together, forget it - its only going to damage your relationship.

Best regards...

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