Stick With The "True" or Go For The "New"?

Hi,

I am a regular reader of your articles; needless to say they are informative and helpful. I have a dilemma. I have been in a marriage for 7 years (no children) -- but in a rocky relationship. We don't know if we are going to last together. If we do split, though, we will be on friendly terms. The big issue is that I doubt that we can start a family together.

At the same time that my marriage was hitting rock bottom, I got to know a woman at work that I have admittedly had a crush on for quite some time. At first everything seemed effortless and we clicked. Gradually I began to notice certain traits in her that I didn't like. She tended to be different in social situations, wouldn't return phone calls, and would change plans. I got frustrated and pulled back for a bit. She is beyond any doubt very high-maintenance and has put me through numerous "tests". We have unmistakable chemistry, share numerous similar interests, and can talk for hours at a time in an effortless, jelling manner.

We have never been intimate (come close on a couple of occasions) but the push-pull attraction is still there. I am sure that she has some personal baggage issues that also come into play. She is gorgeous and is the typical high-maintenance, low self-esteem blonde. I have told myself that I am more in love with my image of her than with the real her. But she has a naive, vulnerable side to her and as much as I try, I can't put her behind me. We also want to have children and have similar family values. Make no mistake -- she is totally high-maintenance, but the temptation to break through and become the "one" is gnawing at me. She has had several short-term boyfriends but has not had a serious relationship for as long as I've known her (about 3 years).

We have a strong physical attraction to each other. Without trying to sound conceited, I am very good-looking and in excellent shape. I generally get my share of looks wherever I go. I have been with same woman for about 12 years now and had little experience with other women prior. I was a late bloomer.

My dilemma is do I stay with the same woman and try to fix the problems in our relationship and stay with my wife, or do I try to continue making an effort with the Blonde. There is more risk associated with her but the reward also seems greater. I have read your book, know I am being played to some extent -- but as hard as I try, I cannot forget her and move on. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

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Hello!

Thanks for the comments on the articles!

First, most "love doctors" would tell you to forget this girl and try to patch up your marriage. I'm not "most love doctors".

You know better than I where you are in your marriage. It doesn't sound like you're getting what you want from it and in my book that's enough to move on. After all, you don't cut a dog's tail off piece by piece; you do it all at once.

That said, leaving a marriage is devastating experience for men. I'm not talking emotionally here. Our courts are designed to extract the maximum amount of damage out of men as possible. I'm not going to get into all of the details here, but suffice it to say, you're not in for an easy time.

Let's get to the blonde. I'm not sure why you've and she have had such a rocky time. It sounds like her interest is there (yours obviously is). One thing I CAN tell you is that you've got to play her. She's all but told you that is the rule with her. You need to adopt a much stronger attitude and posture. Basically, lay down the law - tell her how things are going to be and if she doesn't comply, you're gone. Another way to look at this is to trade attention (which she interprets as acceptance) for what you want from her. If you don't get it in exactly the way you want - no attention!

Here's an option: why not try to put things together with the blonde on a "test basis". IF things work out with her, you might then decide to end the marriage to pursue something with her. But only do it based on an absolute relationship with Blondie. Don't let her convince you that she'd only date you if you were already detached. That's just setting you up for failure. Besides, it's not a very strong position to come from, and as you know from my book, I always recommend that you take the strongest position possible.

Consider too that you can change the things in her you don't like - if you're strong enough - but the question is: should you? Who will she be if you get her to make these changes? Again, this may be another good reason for a test relationship.

One last insight: many men find that their marriages improve when they start something outside. This is for many reasons, and should NOT be the reason you choose to look outside. However, this happens quite often. Also, DON'T TELL YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS! If you're going to choose this lifestyle, BE A MAN about it! You're only going to serve to hurt her in an attempt to ease your own quilt. If you can't take the heat...

Best regards...

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