Focus On Yourself

Dear Dr. Neder:

I am recently out of a fairly long-term relationship, (4 1/2 years). We have lived together for this time and are currently living together. My ex-girlfriend broke it off with me about a month and a half ago. I'm still not sure exactly why as she has never been able to communicate this to me. We have always had a strong bond and a genuine love for one another.

Last year, she moved out because she had more stress than she could handle and didn't know how to deal with it. At the time her Grandmother was very sick and she, a recent college grad was unable to find any work. She slipped into depression and withdrew from me in every possible way. After 4 months of living separately and having found a new job she wanted to return and all was well.

Three months or so passed and the job that paid well but did not challenge or reward her otherwise was now a major source of unhappiness for her. Once again I was shut out. We agreed to read a book about healing relationship problems. I read the book and finished all of the exercises and felt really optimistic about our future. She never read the book, (which was her idea), and claimed she didn't have the emotional energy.

I decided to move out at the end of this month and still intend to. I did not see or speak to her for three weeks and was just beginning to feel accepting of the circumstances when, she asked to spend the day with me on Sunday and I agreed. We had a nice day but I feel it has really set me back emotionally. I want nothing more than to work things out and eventually get married. However I don't know if she sincerely wants to repair our relationship or just be friends, which I know I am not capable of at the moment. Do you think I should press for her to know her intentions or just let things play themselves out at the risk of having to deal with it all again later?

Sincere regards

-----------------------------

Hello!

I see men make this mistake all the time - they want to take responsibility for someone else's feelings, emotions and bad behavior so that they can "repair" them.

Your ex seems to have a lot of drama going on in her life - most of it self-inflicted. She also knows that you're there to put on the big red nose and floppy shoes anytime she's feeling blue. Further, she can come and go as she pleases - all without any complaint from you! What I see here isn't a problem with the relationship - I see a focus problem. Her focus is her, and YOUR focus is her!

This is a good time to start focusing on yourself instead. It sounds like the situation is simply pushing you - who should be the "director" of the relationship - around. You're at the mercy of every emotional flip-flop she has, and rather than taking a stand and expecting her to pull her
own weight, you're moving out.

Ok, so what should you do about all of this?

First, I'd strongly suggest that you get "Being a Man in a Woman's World" to see how women WANT their men to act. I can tell you this: it's not how you're acting right now.

Second, you've got to decide that if you're going to move out - it's for good - not for HER good! Any action you take at this point should be only for YOUR benefit - she's made her (poor) decisions for herself. You need to make some for yourself too. At this point, I wouldn't recommend that you consider marriage. Could you imagine being married and being in this same situation? That would be a living hell.

Third, you need to get a perspective of what a "healthy" relationship looks like. Again, the book will help you here too, but I'd suggest that you start meeting some new women - some that aren't so focused on their own "issues" that they can't see there is a worthwhile person with whom they can share their lives. This woman doesn't sound like one of these at all!

If you want to turn things around, you've got to change your perspective. Stop living to make things right with her and start living to seek what's best for you. Believe me, she's doing this, and apparently has been since you moved in together. Women write to me all the time and tell me that they want men that have a strong direction in their lives and in their relationships. Your direction here has been all about her - what she wants, if she's sad, her need for entertainment, etc., etc.

Healthy relationships are all about being more of the good things you already are because of them.

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.