It's Really About Your Goals

Dear Dr. Neder,

I really need your advice. My boyfriend and I have been having problems about my neediness and his independence. I have a hard time finding a balance. I'm the type who always enjoys quality time with my boyfriend every chance we get, however, he's the type who needs his space and likes to hang out with the guys. We don't see each every day, maybe twice a week and on the weekends. I'm trying to work on being more independent, and not have him be the source of my happiness. What can I do to be more independent and less needy? I know my insecurities cause a strain on our relationship. I think he'd rather spend time with his friends than spend time with me. I need to work on being more secure with myself.

Please help me! Thank you so much. =======

Hello!

I agree. Seeing someone 4 days out of 7 - a majority - should be enough for you both to work on your relationship.

The #1 thing you can do for yourself is to sit down and work on your goals. Right now, I'll bet you don't have any. There are 5 main areas of your life: relationship, physical (health), family and friends, spiritual and education/work. Have you sat down to really consider what your goals in these areas are? Each one should have at least one future goal attached. Some will have more - as many as 10 major goals for some people!

That is a lot of work just determining what these goals are. But consider the work involved in getting there - that takes time and effort. Once you've established what these goals are, the next step is to set the plan to achieve them. What resources will you need? What people are important to accomplishing your goals? What new skills do you need? There are a hundred such questions you need to ask yourself.

But setting these goals is only the first set; creating the plan is the second. Once this is done you have to actually get moving on accomplishing them! Determine your benchmarks - in other words, how will you know that you are moving along the path to accomplishing your goals and more important: how will you know when you've reached them?

You might find that 3 days a week just isn't enough time to work on all these goals and that you actually need less time with your boyfriend. Further, this will help you change the focus of your life from your relationship (exclusively) to other things that are important to you.

What's most important here however isn't just doing something - it's in whom you will become by setting out on the journey. That's what goals do - they change you and make you grow. In growing and becoming more, do you also think you'll become a better partner for your boyfriend? You bet!

By the way - do you know the difference between a "dream" and a "goal"? Just two things: 1) a specific outcome (not "I want to make more money", but "I want to make an additional $1,200 per month") and 2) a specific timeframe ("I will earn an additional $1,200 per month by December, 2005.")

Best regards...

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