Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Manipulation
and Game Playing
Hi,
My ex-boyfriend
and I have been going together ever since January of 1996 and
just last March he broke up with me. I just can't figure out
why we broke up. I can honestly say that he is my true love.
Throughout the
years we have broken up like three times. I mean it was like
we broke up today and get back together a day or week later,
but this time was different. He doesn't want me to call or write
him or any contact whatsoever. The only reason that comes to
mind why he had broken up with me is probably because I didn't
have sex with him when he had wanted it.
I told him that
I didn't want to and he had asked me why. I simply said, "I
had my reasons". He didn't say anything for a while and
then like about few minutes later he had asked me again, but
I still told him no. Later, he decided to end things with me.
I had asked him why and he said that he "...had his reasons".
I still want to be with him. What can I do in order to get him
back? I am in love with him and everyday that goes by I think
of him.
Please help me!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello!
The phrase, "I
have my reasons" is just blatant manipulation, pure and
simple. I don't blame him for not wanting to put up with that
game. I wouldn't either. If you or any woman had ever tried
to pull that on me, I'd be out the door and into some other
woman's bed faster than you could say it a second time!
My question to
you is why play that game in the first place? And, don't tell
me that it's ok because he said it back to you. That's just
more game playing. Obviously, you had a sexual relationship,
and now you're changing the rules all without explaining it
to him? Frankly, in my opinion until you grow up, you don't
deserve a long-term relationship with him or anyone!
If you want to
ever get him back, (and frankly, I'm not sure you can do this
now), you need to correct whatever it is inside of you that
would cause you to do such a thing in the first place. You see,
relationships are built on trust, closeness, openness and communication.
That one little phrase says, "Well, I'm changing the rules
- I no longer feel compelled to talk to you about how I feel,
or why I feel it." That's absolutely, 100% wrong headed
thinking!
If you choose to
no longer have sex with him, that's your right, but don't expect
him to just live with the situation. He has a say in it too,
and that say is to do exactly what he did - move on to find
someone that meets his needs. Even if you had a "valid
reason", that's no excuse to pull this little game.
Once you get this
corrected in yourself, you can then approach him, apologize
and explain why you did it, and why you now know it was wrong.
You owe him at least that much. If he takes you back, feel lucky.
Frankly, my students, most of the men I know and me wouldn't
- and believe me, it's not about the sex.
Best regards...
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