Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
How Can
I Get Him to Never Leave Me?
Dr. Neder,
I've been dating a man for almost 3 months now. I've very
much been the short-lived relationship kind of gal in the past.
Typically at 3 months, I'll find some reason to end the relationship.
Whether it's not feeling a physical connection, or not feeling
an emotional connection, or, I just can't stand his family,
or he has some annoying habit I can't look past. With the new
person, I have none of those issues, we connect in all ways.
But for some reason, I can't stop thinking that one day, he'll
change his mind about how he feels, or that he's not really
telling the truth when he says he'll love me and never leave.
I know I have abandonment issues, from a mother that has not
spoken with me since I was 15. I'm 29 now and my boyfriend
is 27. We knew each other for well over 6 months before we
made our relationship official. He had an on again off again
relationship during those 6 months, and at one point we were
intimate during that time. I believe that incident may be forcing
me to think that he will just do that to me as well. He claims
his feelings are different, and I do believe him, but can I
trust him? How do I make that decision and ignore the past?
How do I stop sabotaging my relationships?
----------------------------- Hello!
First of all, expecting someone to never leave you is instantly
setting yourself up for failure. How can someone ever make
that promise in reality? Even if he believes it, it's impossible
to make such a promise - and even worse to expect someone to
live by it. There are 1001 reasons why someone has to move
on.
It's far,
far better to believe that someone might actually leave you
rather than to expect they won't.
Why? Simple: because
that way you'll invest (and continue to invest) in the relationship
in order to keep them around. Women actually use all sorts
of "relationship tricks" to try to get such a commitment
from a man. Marriage is even one of these! Men are under huge
pressure from women, other men and even society to be "honorable" and
to live by their word, (interestingly, women are under no such
obligation!) Thus, by trying to get a man to make such a commitment,
women often feel that he is then obligated to never leave her;
or some other ridiculous belief.
These same
women then "give up" trying
to continue to earn their man; believing that they actually
own him due
to the promise. When he finally does leave because he's not
getting what he wants, she turns around and blames him rather
than seeing that SHE was the reason for it all alone.
Do you see why it's a mistake to try to believe that a man
would never leave you or to even try to extract such a promise?
Here's the reality: no man will leave any relationship in
which his needs are being met. How simple is that? If you continue
to make sure he's taken care of, he'll continue to make sure
you're secure - and also taken care of! That's a pretty good
relationship in my book!
When you
talk about things like "trust";
there's an incorrect belief that trust is based on someone
else - what
they do, say, think, etc. It's not. Trust is an internal thing.
Go to my website (http://beingaman.com) and watch the short
video on Trust under BAM TV. This will give you a much better
perspective on exactly what trust is. You have all the control
on trust - not your boyfriend.
As to how to make that decision - it's very easy. Simply realize
that you have the power here. You control not only the quality
of, but the longevity of your relationship with your boyfriend.
When you give up and stop thinking of his needs, you also risk
the relationship. It's that simple.
Finally;
about sabotaging your relationships: you're already on that
road by just asking this question.
You're seeking answers
and that is the second step - the first is realizing that you
have the problem in the first place. What's the next? Just
taking responsibility for the quality - and life - of your
relationships and deciding that you're going to make them work
as long as you're also getting what you want and need from
them. This is what it means to "work on your relationship".
Best regards...
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Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page
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Have a love, relationship,
sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write
to me at dwneder@beingman.com
for answers. For more information about my books, "Being
a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
products visit: www.beingaman.com.
Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.
Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.
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