Clarification On Breaking Up

My Boyfriend sent me an article you wrote about 10 signs that it's time to break up.

Well, everything that I read was true we've been having problems and it's hard for me to walk away cause we have a son that's 7 years old. I've been with him for 18 years this next year and the thought of leaving scares me to death. He tells me he loves me and expects me to say the same back to him and when I do it they words don't mean anything to me, they're just words.

Sometimes I make up reasons to not be home on the weekends because my family doesn't want him around them. They've told him that he is ruining my life but ever time that I have a chance to get away he pulls me back in. I've never even been on my own. I went from living with my parents to living with him.

I've found interest in someone else, someone that treats me better but I just don't know how to tell the guy I'm with now that my love is gone. How can someone walk away from something after 18 years? Could you please help me?

Thank you.

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Hello!

You've got a number of issues going on here, but first, why did your boyfriend send you that article in the first place? Is it possible that HE'S trying to send YOU a message?

Your son deserves his father in his life, even more than you deserve to be with someone else. After all, having him was a selfish act on your part - he didn't ask to be born, and thus, his needs should come first here. Consider first what's best for him and do it without your own needs in the equation. If you can still justify breaking up your family then read on.

First, consider that your son's father has a right to remain in his life, just as your son has a right to his father. Thus, you'll never be fully away from him. Part of breaking up is to find a way to keep him in your lives.

Next, consider the fact that people change. They grow up - and apart. After 18 years of being together you both have changed dramatically as individuals and as a couple. Some couples reach a point where they stop growing, grow at different rates or just grow in different directions. It's not tragic - it's just the way things are.

If you're going to be happy elsewhere, with someone else, then it's time to get moving. You wouldn't cut a dog's tail off piece by piece, would you? Of course not! You'd do it all at once. Design an "exit strategy" that makes it easiest for you both, but that leaves no ambiguity in your direction. Plan for the changes in your lifestyle. Remember, it's not only freedom you're seeking here, it's a change in your responsibilities and time constraints. Try to imagine all the differences in the way your life will be and where things seem difficult, try to structure them in such a way as to limit the difficulties.

As well, realize that you're not going to be able to imagine every possible situation. Thus, you're going to have to be flexible. You'll want to expect your plans to change somewhat and be able to adjust to these contingencies.

Once you have this planning in place you're ready to begin the breakup. Here's a link to an article on my website that will help you:

http://www.beingaman.com/breaking_up.htm

Finally, remember that this is a huge life change for all three of you. If you simply rush into someone else's arms without doing this planning, you're going to find that the additional stresses will tear you apart from him too. A little planning prior to your move will help ease everyone through this difficult time.

Best regards...

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