Is He Cheating?

Dear Dr. Neder:

I have a boyfriend who travels a lot on business and recently I went into his briefcase looking for some Advil and instead I saw this blue glove and when I felt it there was a bottle inside the glove. I took the bottle out and to my amazement it was an empty bottle of Viagra! Looking further it was filled in February – two days before Valentine's Day! I also found two condoms in there as well.

I confronted him and he got really quiet; didn't say anything, and then finally he said he was just experimenting with them and was of the opinion that Viagra is not all it is cracked up to be! I was bewildered and hurt by the finding and not confident with his response whatsoever. We don't really have sex much as a matter of fact he never kisses me like the kissing you do when you're dating and all that; I miss the romance we used to have.

I lived with him for 4 years and moved out after not being able to take the stress of his rebellious teen aged son, plus this man's drinking and ignoring me; letting all the problems of the relationship just go unnoticed. He ignored me most of the time. Not working was my biggest mistake and I lost my identity. He treated me like all I did was nag but I nagged because he ignored our problems! So much went under the carpet!

So now that I am living apart from him in an apartment with my 11 year old son he never comes to visit us. He wants us to come to see him. He loves my son so much but really doesn't care to be intimate with me. He was my first love back in high school. We are both 47 yrs. old. He is self centered and says he is going to buy a Corvette now!

Is this man screaming BACHELOR or should I give him some benefit of the doubt? Do I need to move on and stop seeing him? I love him, but I am always hurt by his actions in one way or another. How can I get over him?

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Hello!

It's impossible for me to read his mind and know what's going on with him. However, that said, I see some very significant issues with you here!

First, there is no excuse for you going through his personal things. As I tell people - everyone has the right to privacy and a relationship - regardless of the format - is no excuse to deny anyone that right. Any "evidence" found in the commission of that crime is therefore inadmissible! Further, a bottle of Viagra (empty or not) and some condoms are still not evidence enough to prove any infidelity.

What I see here is that you are making him responsible for events you've chosen in your life. "Losing your identity" isn't his doing - it's your choice. That's just the way it is. Any single day you decide that you want that identity back will be the day you get it; not before.

Also, there is no excuse for nagging anyone. If he isn't doing the things the way you want them done, go find someone that does do them that way! Nagging is the absolute least effective way to get someone to change.

Some jackass somewhere claimed that buying a sport scar was the sign of a man trying to regain his childhood. That's just stupid. How many 20 year olds do you see in Corvettes? The fact is that older, more established men are able to afford them whereas kids are not. It has nothing to do with bachelorhood; it has everything to do with enjoying the fruits of years of one's labor.

The bottom line here is that YOU have to decide what YOU want in your life. You are trying to base everything in the past, the present and the future on what he does or says. It's time to get your own life and make things work for you.

Is he cheating? I don't know, but from what I can see you've put so much pressure on him that he's going to need some outlet. He may be trying to get this from enjoying a new car, or a new girlfriend. You either need to be the woman he needs, or find a man that wants what you offer.

Remember: you can't push a chain uphill.

Best regards...

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