Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Is it
Time to Move in Together?
Dear Dr. Neder:
This seems silly to me, but I am always in favor of a second
opinion.
My boyfriend
of 1 ½ years and I are
considering moving in together. Well, I suggested it and
now it is on the table.
You hit the nail on the head with your articles I do
want our relationship to progress (bad reason to move in together
after reading these articles) but I also want to know if we
are wasting our time. A year and a half seems like a long time.
We alternate between homes, mine on the weekdays and his on
the weekends. We do not sleep well together! Rare is a morning
when we both wake up feeling refreshed. My thinking is well
lets just figure it out NOW, we are either going to make it
or we should move on.
Furthermore, he is a difficult fellow. He is military born
and bred and his emotions consist entirely of logic. He looks
at our relationship in a completely logical fashion to the
point where he weighs the pros and cons and must have decided
the pros outweigh the cons.
What I am driving at is insecurity. I want to move in to get
to that level of understanding and comprehension of what the
other person is about. Our issue is that I am an emotional
female and he is an overly logical male.
I am sorry if it seems like I am writing an advice columnist,
but it seems like you have a handle on when to, and when not
to make these relationship changes.
--------------------------- Hello!
A second opinion seems silly to you??? Actually, I *am* an
advice columnist, so it doesn't seem odd to me at all. Here's
what's going on:
You two really are opposites. That can be a very good thing
- or a very bad thing depending on how you handle it. If he's
logic and you're emotion, that's going to make for some very
challenging times indeed! It's far better to have a balance
between them as you both not only need to get your own needs
met, but you also need to be able to understand (and sometimes
adopt) the other's point of view. Being on such opposite sides
of the fence may create great tension between you. I first
suggest that you both work on this as a goal in your relationship;
to gain a better handle on the other's methods to understanding
and dealing with both joys and problems within the relationship.
With regards to moving in together, let's consider a few points:
First
of all, you mentioned that "...a year and a half
seems like a long time..." My question is: for what? Do
you think that you need to move in together or be married simply
because of the passage of time? That's very short-sighted in
my humble. Living together, dating, marriage, etc., are not "relationships".
They are FORMATS of relationships! Do you understand the difference?
It's a critical distinction. The format has nothing whatsoever
to do with the quality other than the more "tight" the
format the greater the conflicts in a less-than-perfect relationship;
and let's face it - there is no perfect relationship! I would
strongly urge you to forget the timeframes and focus on the
quality instead. Make decisions for your relationship based
on what you want to grow or change - not because a certain
amount of time has passed.
You
mentioned that you and he don't wake up refreshed from sleeping
together.
Can you learn to, or are
you going to start
sleeping in different beds? This is another critical question
to answer as if you wind up in different beds, or even different
rooms you're going to quickly question your reasoning for being
together in the first place. Do you (or he) really need just
a roommate? Just because 1.5 years have past, do you really
think that if you don't move in together you're not "going
anywhere" with the relationship? Again, that's short-sighted.
Things like moving in together and even getting married isn't
going to solve your insecurity problems. This is internal -
not external. It's just as easy for one person to cheat when
living together or being married as it is when you're just
dating. That's not going to solve your insecurity issues; and
in fact, it may even make it worse. When tensions arise in
the relationship are you going to assume that he's out with
other women? I can assure you that they will arise as that's
part of being under the same roof. Insecurities need to be
handled before you consider such a drastic change in your relationship
format.
All in all, the reasons for moving in together should stem
from having a terrific, solid relationship in the first place
and both parties wanting to grow all those good things. It
should never be done (nor should marriage) in order to solve
other problems. It exists for its own benefit and for its own
reasons.
Best regards...
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