Can This Marriage Be Saved?

Dear Doctor,

I am 26 years old woman, married for about 3 years. I am a positive person with self-esteem and confidence in the future. I have a great CV with high education and experience. However it is not easy to find good income work in the country I live in where most good positions rely on networking. Nonetheless, I really try hard to have a career and am positive that I will succeed. I do not ask for much in life, just the usual middle-class dream: flat, family, car, holidays. I often feel guilty for wanting these mainly material things and am very worried that due to my low income will never be able to have even half.

I am married to a kind and funny man, 2 years older than me. We both come from middle-class families but different backgrounds as I am from a different country and my parents educated me in a different way. Just like my husband, I was given lots of love but in addition my parents also had expectations for me and were quite intellectual. My mum is a very strong, achieving woman who was always my role model. My husband's parents were not very worried about their son's future. They didn't push him, strive to give him independence or talk to him about his plans. His mother is a home-maker and his father had a well-paid job. They have a 30 yr old daughter that still lives with them. They are good people and they found it difficult to accept that their son, when only 25 decided to get married. They have accepted me though. Unfortunately I still haven't accepted them! I see them as small-minded people (and quite xenophobic actually) with a good heart. I wanted a bit more from my in-laws. Since I live in a very family-dependent society I cannot easily get over having them as in-laws. We don't fight but I really feel so alien, so not-my-self when with them.

My husband has a university degree without many career choices. He was neither lucky nor ambitious in his career. He thinks of work as a necessary evil, something that simply pays your bills. He has a low-income job with no prospect of advancement. However, this doesn't make him unhappy as he has more free time and can dedicate himself to other free time activities. In a way I admire him for his humbleness but on the other hand he is my husband and I do expect him to be a bit more ambitious and to plan ahead. He constantly repeats that even though things didn't work out for him, that they may work out for me and that he will always be there for me. However, I feel that this has put an additional strain on me to be the bread-winner. Now, since we live in the 21 century and I strongly believe in the power of women I feel that a modern inverted marriage like this one should be given a chance. However, I am very afraid because no matter how hard I try, my reality is that of an immigrant woman (outsider), without any contacts and that my chances of success are smaller. I feel that I am with a man I love but my pragmatic head tells me that he has no future prospects or dreams and that I will end up being unhappy. It happened to my mum, my dad turned out to be a great financial and emotional burden and she still has so many issues as a result. Both she and I are afraid it will happen to me as well.

In summary my biggest problem is that I really love a man with whom I am not sure I can share my life (in terms of practical money matters). Of course, it is much better than being alone. My chances of having the good life alone are far worse off. However, I feel that alone I would at least have no one to demand things from, no one to blame on but myself. I feel that it is not fair to expect my husband to fulfill all my pragmatic needs. He knows all the things I want from life and in response he says that although he cannot give them to me, it helps him lot and that he prefers to be nagged than to be abandoned. I really think that if I left him I would ruin his life.

I have already tried to break up but the pain for both of us was so strong that we decided to stay. I really don't know where to go from here. Any advice would be very helpful. Thank you.

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Hello!

There are really a lot of issues at play here. Let me try to address them all:

First of all, you paint a picture of yourself as having meager expectations; somehow far less than others in your peer group, but in fact, you put a lot of emphasis on these things and I think you're not being fair to your husband or especially, your in-laws. They have chosen the path they're on and frankly I think your expectations of them are unreasonable. You really don't have the right to judge their choices nor to expect them to have your dreams or values in life. Give them a break and cherish them as part of your family rather than judging their choices. This is a good start on helping to relieve some of this tension.

What I gleaned from your letter is that your wants and your husband's wants don't match. You put a high (or at least a higher) value on things he does not. The problem isn't with your level of success, but that your expectations and dreams don't match. In relationships, these things rarely do. Being married is all about compromise - you don't always get what you want, but then, neither does your husband. As a team, you have to find a way through these differences and work on a balance you both can live with. I'm sure you've heard the old cliché that "relationships take work", but I'll bet you've never sat down to really consider what this means. Well, this is what it means - you have to work together to set goals and those goals won't always match, but when you get them written, you divide up the work and get to it. This includes not just financial issues, but emotional, family, friends, careers and even housework.

Now, let's talk about a little reality here.

The feminist concept of the "power of women" and the inverted marriage, etc., are mostly a load. They make great sound bites and just roll off the tongue so easily that they seem real and sometimes even logical, but in fact, there is a very powerful force working against these things - nature.

Just because some women decided to burn their bras 40 years ago doesn't mean that erases millions of years of evolution! Women are pre-wired in very specific ways (and so are men by the way.) Part of this is to expect your man to "provide" for you and the family. The image of the strong man that produces is a staple of women's literature both then and now. Gee...I wonder why that is so?

Here's why: it feeds some very specific internalized needs for women. This isn't to say that women don't want to be successful on their own rights too. People of either gender want to have foundational respect and pride - even your husband - but I'll bet that; even though you didn't come right out and say it that your sex life is also suffering because of this. You probably don't find yourself as sexually attracted to your husband as you once did. I have a little rule called the "nagging ratio" which basically states that the more a wife nags, the less sex there'll be in direct proportion. If you're to get this all back on track, you've got to realize that the nagging has to stop. Even if you want things really badly, you have to catch yourself and realize that nagging will never make them happen.

Now it also appears that you've both chosen career paths that won't get you to your (personal) financial goals. This isn't just your husband, but your choices as well. I'm sure you love your chosen field, but part of those sorts of decisions include lifestyle. If you can't get a job, you're not going to have the lifestyle you want. Period. What that means is that your plan doesn't fit your goal. When that happens, your goals cannot change (or it's not a real goal - it's a dream instead), the plan has to chance. In other words, you need to be looking at a different career choice.

This also goes for your husband too! For him to just squeak by and not be enthusiastic about his work is a tragedy - not because it doesn't get you want you want, but because he's going to spend a large amount of his life there. He at least should love what he does and maybe even look forward to going to work!

Now, here's the great news: you both are still very young. Your futures aren't written on a stone tablet somewhere. In fact, you can make all sorts of life choices - and change them as many times as you want - but here's the trick: do it together as a team. As you begin working together, you're going to find that your relationship directly improves because you no longer look at things day to day, but for the long-term. You share a common direction, and even better you'll share common rewards. How can your relationship NOT improve?

Where you go from here is up to you, but change your focus from what you don't have to where you (as a couple) are going. Make the rewards of a better life contingent on how well you work together as a couple and everything's going to improve.

Best regards...

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