The “Selfish Woman” Syndrome

Hello Doc:

I read you site about letting go in a broken relationship and want to ask you something about it.

I am a married woman, 35 years old and have 2 children. My husband needs me more than I need him. For many years I felt alone and not always listened to by him. A year ago I met someone else and fell in love. He showed me how to live again and brought back all my feelings. He doesn't accept when I don't tell him what I'm thinking, and now realize I didn't share any of this with my husband because I didn't feel that he really cared. It fell to me he was too selfish to see things that were important to me.

After going through therapy with my husband I left him and went to live with my new boyfriend for a couple of months. It felt so perfect, other than the guilt I felt for leaving my children. I couldn't be the mother I wanted to be and I felt sorry for my husband. I wasn’t sure if it was just my feelings of guilt or there was more.

So finally I went back to my husband and kids. Now I’m not happy. I learned to express my feelings to him however. I told him that I don’t want sex because I don't feel it that it's good for me. This makes him very sad and he says, "We are married", ect. On the other site I feel so sorry. He is not a bad man, and is trying very hard to make me feel me better so I have to give him a chance. Also my children are happy that I'm home.

Now I’m trying to see if my feelings for him will grow again by opening up. I’m hoping that I’ll finally know what to do.

Do you have some advice for me?

Hello!

You feel that your husband was selfish because he didn't give you what you needed. Fine. What about YOUR selfishness?? You never even bothered to consider what your CHILDREN needed from you! They need to have mom and dad at home working through the problems so that they have a good environment in which to grow up! They didn't ask to be brought into this world - YOU decided that for them, and by doing so, you owe them everything - and they owe you nothing in the process. I'm sorry, but your selfishness towers over any that your husband has!

Ok, you didn't write to me for a lashing (although it's highly appropriate here), let's look at your situation.

When you decided to have children, you gave up the right to focus on your needs. That's the way it is. Until those kids are out of the house and on their own, they deserver 100% of your focus. Your needs come second - or third - if at all! You need to do whatever it is that will make your house a home for those kids.

If that means that you need to fall in love with your husband again, I suggest you get working on it. Yes, your husband is obviously trying to make things work here too, but it takes you both. If you're only giving a half-hearted effort, it's not going to work.

It's time to grow up and start to realize that the world doesn't revolve around you and your needs. There are others in your life that deserve much more here.

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.