Sexual Conversion - Part I

Hey Doc:

I'm looking for some advice on this girl I've been seeing. I took her out a couple of weeks ago. We got a bite to eat, played pool, had a few drinks, etc. and had kick ass time. We went back to her place and played around a bit. I stayed over, but had a mutual agreement for no sex the first time. I talked to her about every other night the following week on the phone, both of us making an equal effort to call but not be too "needy." We had made plans to go out again the following Saturday but settled for a Sunday movie because she ended up traveling for the holiday weekend.

Sunday went pretty good and I went back to her place to watch TV for a bit. Maybe I'm reading into it too much, but when we started playing around, she wouldn't slip me the tongue like I expected. I wasn't trying to get laid by any means, but it would have been nice to make out a bit.

Do I just need to relax and act like it's no biggie? We're going out again Friday, probably dinner and a few drinks or live music. I could use some advice so I don't do something dumb and "drop the ball."

Help!

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Hello!

What you have here is an issue of communication and of "conversion".

In my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II", I talk about both of these topics: learning to understand what she means by what she says, and the art of sexual conversion - moving a date from a friendly, fun time into the bedroom.

Let's deal with the communication issue first.

It probably wasn't YOU that decided that you wouldn't sleep together on the first date, it was likely SHE that decided this and you simply agreed. Ok, fine if that's what you wanted. This usually is excused away by saying that you want something long-term with her and that's why you would be willing to wait. In fact, there is no such rule anywhere in the Universe! I get letters all the time from people that slept together on their first dates and stayed together or even got married.

How early you choose to sleep with someone has no bearing on the longevity of the relationship. This is instead a way for a woman to prevent you (she believes) from "not respecting her", or from thinking she's too easy. Of course us guys know that this is ridiculous. It's a "woman thing".

When you agreed to not sleep together on the first date (even though you both were obviously ready), there was something that you missed. It was a implication that YOU (as the man) had to do the sexual conversion during a subsequent date! Yes, I know that wasn't said, but in her mind, she believed she implied it! Remember, she doesn't want to come off as too easy, and if she let's you make all the moves, she's safe!

Thus, you'll have to decide when you're ready to convert, and when you're ready, to make the moves.

Now, let's deal with the topic of "sexual conversion".

Converting a date to a sexual encounter is a skill that many men lack. It's not difficult, but most men just don't know how to do it and actually wait for their dates to do all the work! In fact, this rarely happens for the reasons previously stated. Women know that this is YOUR job and will wait for you to do it. I can't tell you how many letters I get from sexually frustrated women that have waited months for their boyfriends to finally make some move so that they can get into the bedroom with them!

Sexual conversion actually starts early in the date. You want to act sexual and help to raise her interest in you sexually. Of course, you're going to have be engaging, challenging and somewhat bold, but these aren't difficult skills if you feel comfortable with her - and yourself.

Starting with the very first date, you should kiss her. Kissing is a critical step to moving things forward. If you don't move to kiss her, what you're actually doing is establishing a friendship! I'm sure you already know you don't want that!

One important key about kisses: don't ask for them, take them. That is, kiss her when YOU feel comfortable. The more "out of the blue" this is, the better! For instance, if you and she are walking holding hands, stop abruptly, take a step backwards (she will still be walking forwards), pull her right back to you (not too hard or you'll be picking her up off the ground), and just kiss her. You don't have to wait until the end of the date to do this and the earlier the better.

By the way, here's a great article on the "Opening Kiss" technique that you need to know: http://www.beingaman.com/the_opening_kiss.htm

Kissing and touching are key elements. With touching, you have to escalate the touching and be careful to not move too fast. Consider that most women's necks, ears, thighs and wrists are sensitive, and are good choices for this type of touching. If you go for the goodies too early, you're going to get shut down. Instead, slowly build things up.

At some point in the date you're going to want to do more than to just kiss her a few times. This means that you're going to have to be somewhere comfortable - her place or yours, etc. Before you get there, you should be giving her little "tastes" of what's to come, but don't go for it until you finally get to where you plan to do the conversion.

After you get comfortable and feel the time is right, you're ready to begin the conversion. This involves more kissing and moving the kissing into "petting". You want to enjoy this as foreplay for a while and begin to make moves slowly forward. This involves touching, kissing her face and neck, undressing, etc.

Keep in mind that this is all playful. It should be fun - especially the first time. If you get too serious or emotional, the playfulness of it goes away. That's not a good thing, so keep it light. Also, watch her reactions. She'll tell you when you're moving too fast - or too slow, and you want to respond appropriately.

At some point, sex becomes the obvious outcome and she might begin to lead this, but if she doesn't, don't hesitate to take the lead. Remember, this is still your game - and she knows it.

I go into much more detail in the new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II", due out early next year, and I urge you to take a look at it for much more information on this. However, this discussion should get you started.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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