When The Rules Change

Doc,

I just want to get an opinion how you feel about the following situation. I've been dating this girl for about 6 months now. We have many common interests such as going for walks, watching movies, travel, etc. We have the usual disagreements, which I think are normal.

We've been hanging out together just about every day or every other day. I have felt very happy with her until recently. She told me she doesn't feel comfortable anymore with us having so much sex. We did it just about every day or every other unless her period came around we waited for like 3 days or so. It was great. Now I asked her why she feels that way, she says because she doesn't get the same satisfaction out of it as I do. She can never get an orgasm.

We talked about it, but she says that she's never been able to climax from anything other than masturbation. She says she feels that I only want sex and if I don't get it, I get mad. I said it is natural to want sex in a relationship and it should include it and besides, she felt happy about it before and was satisfied. Her answer well she doesn't feel the same way towards me anymore. Maybe we should have sex only once a week or so. But hell, I'm starving for it!

And then she likes massages and always teases me and makes me think I can get some, and nothing. Should I wait till she comes around again or say, "just don't bother me anymore if you don't feel emotional with me", and give her some time?

Thanks for reading and advising.

- - - - - - -

Hey Brother!

This is one of the situations I deal with in "Being a Man in a Woman's World" under "When The Rules Change".

You're right - sex IS an important part of a relationship and anyone that says differently is full of shit.

Let me offer you two perspectives:

1) Her side

Most women use sex very differently than men. To these women, sex is about creating closeness and intimacy - not orgasms. That doesn't mean that they don't want them, but they definitely want the other things. Many guys either forget, ignore or just plain don't know these facts! So, they go off on their merry way trying to create orgasms and don't give their partners what they want. Next, their partners start shutting down sexually.

Let me ask you, if you were to have sex with her, but you weren't allows to cum, how would you feel about it? That's very likely how she feels about things too. Yes, she realizes it's a "duty", but she's probably not getting what she needs from it.

2) Your side

You entered into (and invested in) the relationship under certain considerations - including regular sex. This creates the balance I call "mutual benefit". If the relationship is no longer mutually beneficial, then it's time to react to the changing rules.

You can simply tell her this: "Look, when we got together, there were certain expectations about sex we both had and were being met. I understand and have to accept it if you want to reduce the amount of sex, but consider that my needs are different than yours and expect you'll be comfortable with me fulfilling my needs elsewhere. I think it's also fair that you stay monogamous to me since you're needs are being met."

The bottom line is that both partners in the relationship are responsible for situations that arise and thus, have to find their way through their partner's needs to get their own met.

Best regards...

> Home > Dr. Neder Relationship Advice: Main Page

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.