Should I Marry "The One"?

Dear Dr. Neder,

I’m dating a man who I think is "the one". He and I share so much in common. For example, we’re the same age, both have divorced for the same amount of time, have two kids the same age, etc.

We met by accident. It turns out that I grew up with his nieces but never met him before. My girlfriend signed me up for on-line dating, but I never took it seriously. The last day that my membership I saw his picture and I responded. Come to find out we live only 1 mile away from each other and I knew his family. We met and hit it off.

It has been almost a year. I get mixed signals from him however. He goes from wondering if I am "the one" to talking about marriage. I have half my stuff at his place already and I am very much in love with him. I was wondering, do you think we would ever get married? I am ready now but not in a hurry. I believe he is the one. I don’t push marriage, but wonder if he will be ready I was told by a family member that he though I was the one but the thought that about his ex-wife too.

He wanted me to move in then he said no he needs his space. What should I do? I basically act like his wife now. Is it about his time?

Thank you,
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Hello!

Let's begin by talking about the concept of "the one" or in other words, a "soul mate". Many people believe that there is only one soul mate for each of us, or at most, only a very few. In fact, according to my own research, there are thousands of soul mates - maybe even hundreds of thousands - for each of us! Take a look at this article from my website: http://www.beingaman.com/local_articles.htm

So, is he "the one"? Obviously, I don't know. Further, I don't know if he's going to marry you as I don't read minds and I don't see into the future. However, with that said, let's now talk about marriage.

Should you be married? My first reaction is no. This isn't based on anything you've said however, this is based on few simple facts. First, marriage itself is a "format" for the relationship - just as there are a thousand other "formats" from dating to living together, etc. This has nothing to do with the quality of the relationship itself. I try to get people to understand that the quality is the most important aspect and that you should choose a format that will either sustain or enhance that quality only. Don't get married simply because it seems like the next step. Get married either because you know it will take an otherwise perfect relationship and make give it that last little kick to make it perfect, or because you want to have children. I believe that children should only be raised within a married family.

The second fact is that marriage rarely makes a relationship better if it's not already perfect! Consider that. If you're very happy now and you get married, chances are that you will lose that happiness! More than 1/2 of all marriages end in divorce for this very reason. As I continue to say, there aren't too many divorces, there are too many marriages.

One last fact: I don't think that anyone should consider getting married until they've been together at least a couple of years. After than, the talks can begin, but that doesn't even mean that the marriage should proceed, unless everything else is right.

Best regards...

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