Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Sexual
Stigma, Labels and Morality
Dear Dr. Neder,
How come in the old days women were considered sluts and freaks
if they enjoyed having sex or watching porn?
How come the girl had to stay a virgin until marriage but
no one cared about the guy? Is it because men needed to know
their wife was pregnant with their baby and no one else's or
because men could have sex with a lot of girls and have almost
no effect, but if women had sex with a lot of guys she would
become emotionally messed up?
Sorry for so many questions, I’m just really confused by all
of this.
--------------------- Hello!
As with most things, the answer isn't as simple as just a
single thing. There are a number of reasons for this.
There is nothing as powerful about a person as their sexuality.
Think about this: people are willing to risk ridicule, loss
of friends, loss of jobs, loss of family, jail, reputation
and many other things to get their sexual needs met. This is
because sex is a drive that is in all of us.
More important,
your sexuality defines quite literally everything else you
do! It dictates the clothes
you wear, how you walk,
the words you choose, your friends and literally every other
aspect of your personality in a very direct way. Once someone
else understands this, they also see that by controlling your
sexuality, they can control you too! Your parents, your church,
your city, state and federal governments, "special interest
groups", individuals with their own agenda, etc., etc.,
etc., are all trying to control your sexuality by dictating
everything from when and where you can have sex to with whom
you can have it to how you actually go about it!
There are laws on many books dictating specifically how and
when you can have sex for instance. In some states for instance,
it's illegal to have oral sex! Why do you think that is? Simple:
control a person's sexuality and you OWN that person. When
someone chooses to NOT be owned by someone else and to get
comfortable with their sexualities, you pose a threat to those
that want to use it to control you.
This is
why labels like "slut" and "deviant" exist.
In fact, nobody is a slut; male or female, and as long as a
person's sexual interests don't inflict themselves on or cause
harm to anyone else, they aren't deviant either. Many people
live in fear of being labeled and this fear is often enough
to "keep them in line".
Interestingly, many of the dumb beliefs we carry today came
out of just this sort of need to control. Take a look at the
(absolutely ridiculous, harmful, dangerous) belief that a person
should stay a virgin until marriage. Frankly, I think that
sort of teaching is criminal! What would you say if your church
or government or someone you didn't even know tried to make
you not believe in your God or religion until you were married?
You'd be at their door with a pitchfork!
Sex is very complicated and takes many years and many experiences
to learn; let alone master. However, by learning it well and
growing in your own comfort of it, you become a far more powerful
person because of all the aspects of your own personality that
it controls.
Indeed, there were reasons why men were directed to marry
virgins while not having the same stigma themselves. This certainly
included knowing who the children belonged too, but in fact,
that wasn't very practical! Do you know that in turn-of-the-century
(20th) England that as many as 1 out 3 babies were father by
someone OTHER than the husband? Obviously, these women were
having lots of sex outside their marriages.
Today, we use stigma, disease control, guilt, responsibility,
funding and tons of other ways to try to control people's sexuality.
Many buy into it and are simply harmed in the process. Many
others come to the realization that education is the real answer
to preventing these negatives and enthusiastically and safely
explore their sexualities - and those of others.
Don't worry about other's labels. Focus on what you want in
your life and let other, lesser folks grovel in their own limitations.
Trust me; you'll have a far richer life because of it.
Best regards...
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a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
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Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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