If You Lead, They Will Follow

Hey Dennis!

With your book and your advice, you've helped me quite a bit in the past! But now I have a question about this girl I met recently.

Here's the situation, Doc: She seems nice and sweet. She is also a bit of a smart-ass, which I like. She's always "subtly" hanging around me and talking to me, smiling, taking peeks at me. She'd always ask me how my day is going, laugh at my jokes, do things for me...You know..."nice"!

The funny thing is that so far I hadn’t met ANY resistance with her...none. Talking to her...no problem. Got her number...that was easy. Setting the date up...easy! No problems! Now on the "date"...there WAS a problem! Maybe you can figure out the problem because I'm lost!

You see, I didn’t frame it as a "date" but rather I set up a "get together". I always do that. She was there on time where we were to meet which was the mall and we did some shopping. When we first met my original plan was to go to this place that has an arcade, a bowling alley, ice-skating, and put-put golf. It sounded like fun to me! But she said she wanted to stay at the mall and that was fine because that was my second option. Plus she bought some things while she was there. So I had two possible plans in place.

We shared a few laughs and there was some kino going on. Not a whole lot but enough to keep it interesting. We talked a lot (well, I let her do most of the talking) and everything was going smooth until...

Her dreaded cell phone rang and it was some guy that asked her to meet her somewhere! She NEVER said anything about having a boyfriend and I felt it'd be AFC-ish if I asked if it was! So, I didn’t ask. In fact when the phone rang I told her "Tell them you're busy!" I think cell phones on a date are rude anyhow! Oh, but it wasn’t a "date" it was a "get-together!" Hmm. Whatever it was I still thought it'd be rude if she talked more than a minute.

Anyhow, she made it quick like I told her to and then when the phone rang again; she didn’t answer it that time! So, I'm thinking that’s just how I wanted it.

Now, the issue was that she was about to blow the other guy off but then she changed her mind and decided to meet this guy. I really didn’t understand what was going on there. It was shortly afterwards that I decided to leave. The thing is that she didn’t SEEM as if she wanted to go. She was thinking of making up an excuse to tell him but...she went anyhow! What could be going on here?

She was hesitant to go but...I don’t know.

I dare not ask her the story about this other guy...I don’t care but I don’t want to be wasting my time with her either. What to do? It could have been just a friend or something more. I have no idea! All I know is that she's known him awhile much longer than she's known me. Anyhow, when she decided to go meet that guy, I excused myself shortly after. I'll see her again, however.

Like I said prior to this, she's always trying to hang around me and talk to me and she gave me her digits and we met up right after that. And she's never given me any resistance whether it be touching her or talking to her or getting her number or setting up the meeting. But, could this have been some form of test? Is she just being nice and friendly or is she REALLY interested?

What you think? Should I invite her out again later or move on?

Thanks Doc!

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Hey Brother!

It sounds like everything went very well right up to the phone call. You had good communication working and even were getting signs of a high level of interest from her. By calling your meeting something other than a date, (a "get-together"), you took off the pressure. When the phone call came through, you even told her what you expected, and she ended the call early. Even using the line, "...it's rude on a date..." actually worked to your benefit. Everything so far is great.

Now comes the problem.

She told you that she wasn't sure about whether to see this guy or not. What she was doing was to give you a mini-challenge. She wanted you to decide for her that she should spend more time with you. That's why she was vacillating back and forth about whether to go or not!

Unfortunately, you let her make the decision for herself. In effect she was saying, "Am I important enough for you to stand up and tell me to forget meeting him, or do you not care?" By letting her decide what she was going to do, not only did you miss a golden opportunity, you also told her, in effect that she was in control here, not you.

Consider this: when you're on a date, (or a "get-together") with a woman, she's on YOUR time. You've planned everything and blocked off your schedule to spend with her. She owes you the time she committed to with you.

By letting her decide how she was going to use "your time", she also learned that it wasn't you that was in control! Of course, you WANT to be the guy in control!

Here's another way to have handled this: when she began wondering what she was going to do, you should have said, "Look, if you want to rush off and see him, go ahead. It's very rude however, and I won't waste my time with rude people. You've already taken on phone call, but the choice is yours." Then, I would have turned and continued walking down the mall.

There's a number of subtle things going on here. First, you haven't taken the decision away from her - it's still hers to make. However, you've outlined the potential consequences of making the wrong choice - that you won't see her again!

The second thing is that you've told her that your time is valuable, (remember that from the book?), and that you don't appreciate it wasted. The third thing is, that by walking away, she has to follow you! Isn't that really what you want anyway – her to chase you?

So, now the question is whether you can salvage this situation or not. I believe you can, but you have to be cleaver about it. To do this, start seeing what this situation really is. She "chose" this other guy over you, even if she did so reluctantly! You don't have to lie down and like that.

So, the next time you can see her, why not bust her on it? Just say something like this, "Hey, you know, it was fun seeing you in the mall the other day, but I didn't appreciate you breaking off the date [get-together, or whatever] early. How are you going to make it up to me?"

Then, get very quiet. Don't say another thing until she tells you how she's going to "make up" for her bad behavior! You'll have to establish a minimum level of penance in your own mind, and if she doesn't meet it, just say, "Ok, and then what?"

The bottom line here is that women want you to have some direction in your life, and your relationships. They want to have to chase you, not the other way around, and if you keep that firmly in your mind, you can lead your relationships anywhere you want them to go.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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