Jump In and Ruin Your Future!

Hey Doc!

I met my boyfriend on September 24th, 2003, a little over a month ago. From the first night we met we have been inseparable. After only a week I moved in with him. And everything is great and well I know I want to be with him and only him for the rest of my life, but I am 18 turning 19 in December, he is 24 and were both ready to settle down and get married and have KIDS!

We recently had sex and just yesterday I got my period and he got so depressed because he wants to have a baby. I tried to tell him that it's best that we wait until marriage to have kids, we tried to wait on having sex but sleeping in the same bed doesn't help the situation.

Well the question is are we rushing things a little too fast? He's saving every penny to get me a ring; he wants to ask my dad for his blessing and so on. I love him with all my heart I just don't want to rush into marriage so we can have KIDS! I'M ONLY 18 and I work 40 hours a week and go to college 9 hrs a week at night. When would I have time to raise a child right now? I'm just scared and I don't know how to tell him that he's rushing things.

And, how do I tell him NO more sex before marriage? I feel terrible about that. I wanted everything right. I know living with him doesn't sound good, but we couldn't stand to be apart.

Thanks!

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Hello!

Are you rushing things? How could you possibly NOT be rushing things? You've only known each other since September 24th - only about a month, you moved in together in just a week, you're already engaged and he's ready to start a family - oh, and you're only 18, and 24 respectively?????

What the hell are you thinking??? Further, why aren't your parents trying to help you see all of this?

Let's see if I can look into your future...yes...yes, it's getting clearer, now...I can see something there...Ah! There it is:

You get pregnant; have to give up your school, and likely your job. You both are going to live in a mobile home, (or worse, with one of your parents), and exist on food stamps. He's going to get bored in a few years, realizing that he's given up his own youth for a family and responsibility he wasn't ready for and decide to move on. You are now a single mother of one or more kids. Of course, your own education will have been discarded long ago, and you'll have to go back to work at any old job you can find to make ends meet while you raise your child alone. During this time you become jaded and angry with men and life in general - all because you were in a big rush.

If you really love this guy - and he really loves you back, why are you in such a hurry to just jump in and make all the wrong choices about your life? Doesn't your love deserve some good planning and careful consideration too? You've already made a huge number of really bad choices, isn't it about time you made some good ones? You have your entire life ahead of your to either build something incredible or to totally ruin. Guess which path you're on right now?

You need to have a discussion with your boyfriend and it's not going to be easy - believe me. However, you've taken all the easy choices up until now and not made any of the hard decisions, so this is exactly where you've landed. It's unfortunate, but by your own actions, your choices are limited.

What you need to do is this:

First, confirm to your boyfriend that you love him and are concerned that you make the right choices about your lives together.

Next, explain to him that until you have some of your own life goals under your belt you aren't ready for a marriage and family yet. That will change once you get your goals reached, but until then you're going to be unhappy about giving them up. He needs to understand this and if he loves you and cares about you he will.

Next, move out and get back on your own. Build your savings, finish your education, and get into your career - all while building the right relationship for you both. He needs to do exactly the same thing. This doesn't mean that you have to give up sex with your boyfriend, and in fact, I strongly urge you to NOT do this. Sex is one of the areas that you need to practice between you and he, and if you neglect it, you're going to find that your relationship suffers as well. HOWEVER: USE PROTECTION!!! Every single time - no exceptions. You HAVE to prevent an unwanted pregnancy at all costs! If you get preggers, you future is gone - trust me on this.

That means that you have to get on some form of birth control yourself (see my site for specifics: http://www.beingaman.com/birth_control_options.htm) and you must demand that he uses condoms every single time! "No glove...no love...no exceptions...no excuses!"

Finally, you and he should sit down and chart out your future - don't just rush headlong into it without some planning.

This means that you should decide that after your education is finished and your career is started, you then revisit the idea of being married. During that time you work on and build your relationship - believe me it takes work! If you truly love each other that love isn't going to fade, it's going to get better and better, but the rigors of marriage - especially so soon is going to do the exact opposite to you both.

Make some good decisions about your relationship and your future together, don't just jump into it hoping for the best - this never works!

I understand that at 19, all you see is your 19 years behind you, but in another 19 years, you're going to be 38 - even younger than I am, and you're going to have a very different perspective then. Don't waste those years with bad choices now. You and your boyfriend deserve much, much better. Feel free to share this letter with him if you think it will help.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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