How Young is Too Young?

Dr. Neder,
Hello! I read a question posted by "Spotless" on the internet titled "Why Do Men Fear Commitment" (http://www.beingaman.com/why_do_men_fear_commitment.htm)

I'm having the same problem, but my situation is a little different. I'm 18, and the guy backing out is 19. The other article you responded too was from a woman probably much older than me. With my boyfriend we were great. As a matter of fact he was the one who basically made all the first moves. He saw me in one of our university cafeteria's, looked me up, called me, and made all the other first moves like holding hands, kissing, and all that other "young love" stuff. Within about 2 weeks of knowing each other we were official. Spring break came the following week and when we got back he was really different (even though over the phone during spring break he seemed fine). His reasons for breaking up were to sum it up, that we moved too fast (I admit we did), he needs time for himself (whatever that means), he just wants to be friends for a while and let something develop on it's own (I thought we did develop something), and lastly he said that I'm TOO YOUNG to be worrying about boys.

I'd like to think that I'm a mature girl who knows what she wants. I don't want to date around for fun at college as I don't see the point in spending a large amount of time with someone if you don't see a potential future with them. Plus I don't wish to be labeled a slut. I understand that 18 is a young age to whip out a diamond, but that's not what I'm expecting right now. He recently got out of a relationship of 3 years- the girl dumped him out of no where and he was hurt by it. He seems very respectful of women and he's really sweet. Why did he back out after a few weeks when he was the one who brought "us" that far into it.

Any advice you could give would be very much appreciated

Thanks,

====================

Hello!

Actually, I don't read minds. Thus, I can't tell you why he did this. Instead, let's deal with you.

First of all, I agree that 18 is far too young to be worrying about a committed relationship. What experience are you using to even know that you want such a relationship, or one with just this guy? I tell people all the time that unless you're at least 25-30, there's no possible way that you've had enough experience to make such an important decision.

Further, how do you know that any relationship is "going somewhere" until you actually get into it? This is all about time, but in your case, you seem to want to move right into the commitment without doing any of the work. No guy (including this one) is ever going to go for that! What you're really telling him is that you don't care about him (the person), all you're interested in is the format. It's like he just walked in front of the target.

Stop and take a deep breath here. You're only 18 and there's absolutely no reason to be in such a big rush for commitment. Trust me on this one: nothing is worse than being committed to the wrong person. The problem is that you don't even know which guys are "right" and which ones are "wrong" simply because you lack experience to know this!

Go out, date some guys, have fun and don't focus on the format of your relationship - focus on the quality instead. The format will come as the quality grows.

Best regards...

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