The “Inter-Dependent” Relationship

Hello Dr. Neder,

I have been reading some of your online advice and enjoy your practical and no-nonsense approach. I am hoping you can help me out with a problem I have.

I am a 40 year old woman, with wonderful and supportive family and friends, my own successful business, as well as many varied hobbies and interests. I am blessed with a rich and rewarding life.

Now I am at a wonderful point in my life. I have more than many dare dream of, except someone to share it with. I don't lack for interested men but it always turns out the same. Things start off well and then after two to three months, they back off and just want to be friends. I am on friendly terms with almost all my former boyfriends. A couple of them are among my closest friends. What is frustrating to me is the fact that I was able to maintain several long term relationships over the years that I was struggling with my self esteem issues but am unable to even get one off the ground since I have resolved them.

With every break-up I have been told over and over that I am wonderful person, I haven't done anything wrong, and they think the world of me. I don't know if they are trying not to hurt my feelings but common sense says that if you repeatedly have the same outcome from different scenarios... look for the common denominator. In this case, that would be me.

Recently, I had a rather candid conversation with a friend (who is also an ex) and what he had to say was that I am “perfect”. He said that between my personality, intelligence, emotional and financial stability, humor, looks, and sexuality, he thought he had hit the dating jackpot. On paper, I was everything he could dream of in a woman but ultimately it was what broke us up.

After several months he began to feel that I didn't need him. He felt that I had it so "together" that there really wasn't anything he could add to my life. This wasn't true from my perspective. There was a lot that he added to my life and I did my best to let him know how wanted and appreciated he was. He said that I was too good at everything and while on one hand he really admired that, on the other hand, in spite of being very feminine, it made me seem more like "one of the guys" than a girlfriend.

It's a little hard for me to grasp. I am attentive and affectionate. I have no problem expressing my appreciation of my partners both physically and verbally. Still, I don't seem to be getting the message through to them or perhaps I am misunderstanding what message they are hoping for. Clearly, there is something I am just not "getting".

If you have some advice on how I can resolve this problem, I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you,

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Hello!

Obviously, I don't know you or your situation. However, I've got a very good feeling about the problem here as I see it quite often. It's something I've written about extensively in my new book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" - the "Independent Woman" syndrome. Let me explain.

Today, women are getting a barrage of messages from every form of media regarding the value and quality of women; and indeed, women are very important, capable and of value. This in itself isn't a bad thing, except for the fact that it's been taken to the extreme. Today, women are supposed to be "independent". In addition to this, men are actually viewed today as superfluous and unnecessary or even evil!

There are so many examples of this in every aspect of our lives today and results aren't good. Take a look at TV for instance. Men are constantly portrayed as bumblers, fools, dolts, incompetents, second-players, the butt of jokes, abusers, cheaters, homosexuals, etc., while women are shows as strong, achieving, primary characters. Let me ask you this: if a 30-second commercial can sell you a product with repeated viewing, what can repeated viewing, listening, reading of a 30- or 60-minute lifestyle do?

You can imagine that few men either: 1) want to be viewed this way, or 2) really are this way. However, this, (and many, many other examples I won't get into) have lead to the "Independent Woman" syndrome. This is where women tell themselves - and everyone around them, that they don't "need" men. In fact, women DO need men - just like men need women. The result has not been good for American women. In fact, there is a huge movement by men to actually boycott American women for just this reason!

I constantly warn my students away from Independent women for this and many other reasons!

Despite what the media would have you believe, here are the facts. Men and women:

* Need each other.
* BOTH are important to a successful society and neither is superfluous.
* BOTH have something of importance to contribute.
* Are different and bring different things to the table.
* Don't compete with each other, but compliment each other in their own sexual identity.

Keep in mind that men are being fed these images as well in a steady stream. That's why men THINK they want an Independent woman, only to later realize (like about 2-3 months later?) that they aren't happy when they find them.

So, you may be asking, "What's the alternative?" It's a little thing I call the "Inter-dependent Relationship".

This is where both parties realize that the other has special, unique qualities that they bring to the relationship and they spend their time glorifying those qualities - not trying to be more of what the other person is. They believe and even state that they have needs in their lives and that they are thrilled to have found someone that helps to fill those needs. They revel in their partner's capabilities while still being proud of their own. They focus on their strengths while accepting their weaknesses because that's where they bond between them is formed; in effect, by having those weaknesses filled by another, equally-worthwhile person.

Compare your own recent relationships to this example. I'll bet you'll find that this is exactly where they fall apart. Why would a man want to be with someone that doesn't feel they need them? Why would a man want to be with someone that thinks she's fully complete within herself and sees them as superfluous? Why would a man want to be with a woman that doesn't respect or appreciate his contributions and unique, masculine abilities? Is the pattern starting to come clear?

One last point: don't confuse the Inter-dependent relationship with the co-dependent one. Co-dependent relationships are where one partner gives up their own persona and throws themselves fully into the relationship, being absorbed by it. My "model" allows a person to be powerful within themselves and still find the fulfillment that only a healthy, worthwhile relationship - between two healthy and worthwhile people - can offer.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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