Turning Boys Into Men

Dr. Neder;

I have a son of 13 years. He is starting into this long ordeal of learning about girls. I'm not saying that there is a problem, but he needs direction. All he thinks about is sex and of course naked bodies of beautiful girls, but I think it would be a good idea is if there is some kind of literature (NOT Playboy), that I could interest him in, to explain some of the concepts. I do not think he is at all equipped for any kind of adult rationalization on the subject like what is handled on this website.

What kind of helpful advice can you give to boys on this subject when they are just starting into this stage with dating, pimples, and hormones?

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Hello!

I was actually asked to write a book on this very subject directed toward single mothers: "How to Raise Sons That Become Men". Unfortunately, I've been so busy with the first and second books, that is where my focus is right now. You might find that my first book, “Being a Man in a Woman’s World” is the right tool for this job.

All that said; you certainly have the right idea. Now is the time to begin crafting your son's belief system about women. Too many men get this information from their mothers - not their fathers! What we are getting today is a bunch of "men" that sit down to pee!

These are the basic things that boys need to understand:

1) It's not a man's world like everyone thinks it is. Women control the world today - not men. This is important because women ALSO control relationships. Further, men are often blamed for many problems that we all face, and are made the scapegoats for all of the world's ills. Obviously, this just isn't the case. Your son doesn't need to feel like he has to be handicapped in order to be part of this world, despite what his peers say.

2) Women speak differently than men. Men use a very direct language form: "I'm hungry", "I'm tired", "I'm horney", etc. Women use an INFERRED language form. Thus, "I'm tired" could mean anything from the fact that she's ready for bed, to the fact that the relationship is over! Young men need to learn how to understand women's language, and how to ask for clarity when they need it. A great lesson is to never assume they understand what a woman is saying until the prove it!

3) Women's motivations in relationships are often quite different from men's. For example, young women spend much of their time thinking about, dreaming about, and even planning their weddings! Much emphasis is placed on this event and almost none on who she's going to marry! This begets the "guy that walked in front of the target" syndrome, where just about any guy will do, as long as he's "marriage material". In fact, the pressure on young women to attain the wedding is so great; they will sometimes trick men into it! Consider the false pregnancy, or the missed birth control pill as examples. Your son should always consider birth/disease prevention his own job.

4) Women often define themselves by their relationships! All women want the "Alpha Male", and when they don't get him, (there aren't that many Alphas around!), they will try to "build him" using the tools their relationship training gives them including nagging, cajoling, crying, etc., etc. These same women may appear to have great relationships outside of the home, but in fact, have terrible ones - and self-esteems to match! The guys that are involved with these women are equally unhappy, and let's face it - life is just too damn short!

5) Sex is a great motivator for men, but there is a cost involved. Your son should understand the responsibilities involved in having sex. His choice to engage in sex with any particular partner should always be based on one simple question: "Am I willing to pay the price (often unknown) for sex with this woman?"

6) If possible, help him to sit down and write out the goals for his life. I'll bet this will be difficult if he is like most 13 year olds! However, if he even just begins them, he's going to be way ahead of his classmates. The areas for one's goals should include: business, (school, career, etc.), family & friends, physical, (health), spiritual, and relationship. By the way, being married with a family is only one form of relationship! There are hundreds of others!

My brother, I hope this gives you a platform to begin your son's education. I'm very proud of you to take on this challenge, and let's face it: if you succeed - even a little - he's going to become every bit of the man you hope he can be.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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