Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
How Do
I Know? (what I want in a relationship)
Hello,
I
recently got back into the dating scene, and have met interesting
people.
One
guy in particular caught my attention. The problem is that
during the first month we would speak constantly
and had great
chemistry. Neither of us made any plans to go out, because
we wanted to take it slow. When we finally made plans something
always came up on either part. The 2nd month everything started
to die off, but now things are starting to pick up, not how
I would like. He calls me to tell me about his week and to
ask about my projects, and suddenly I won't hear from him
for weeks, then calls on the weekends past 10:30pm. We usually
meet up and seem to be are attracted to each other but I'm
afraid he might only want one thing. How do I know? I am
so
new to this! P.S. We are both in our 20's and both of us got out of long
term relationships I have also stopped calling, but when he
calls I don't act bitter.
Thanks
------------------------------------------
Hello! Man! Do I see this disaster-in-the-making a lot or what?
So, you "both" decided on "taking it slow",
eh? Frankly, I'll bet that you told him you wanted to take
it slow, and he simply agreed out of fear that he'd lose you.
That is absolutely in the "top 10 stupid dating ideas" if
ever there were stupid dating ideas! What exactly do you think
you gain by taking it slow, or taking it fast or taking it
anyway but how the relationship itself is just supposed to
progress?
Answer: nothing.
Ok, now let's get something else cleared up here: yes, he
absolutely wants to have sex with you. There, I said it. Pretty
earth-shattering, isn't it? Did the lights blink on and off
at your house when you read that? It's so amazing to almost
be unbelievable!
Leslie, take a deep breath and let's get past all the fear
and anxiety here. This isn't brain surgery, and nobody's going
to die. It's just dating, that's all. You (NOT him) get to
decide if and when you have sex. You might have all sorts of
reasons why you don't want to sleep with him right away from
being afraid of looking like a slut to feeling used to something
in your past; but again, you get to decide when it's right
for you. However, consider that he gets to decide when he's
waited long enough and therein lies the trade off.
By trying
to "take it slow" you're
in effect, trying to manipulate both him and this situation
to last as long as
you want it to last until you decide that you want more - or
to break it off if you don't. In effect, you want to keep him
on the line until YOU get or don't get whatever you want; if
you ever figure that out. Isn't that really the same thing
as him wanted sex with you?
Answer: yes, it is.
Let me give you a slightly different way of looking at dating.
It requires you to do some work up front, but it'll make your
life dramatically easier. Here's what you should do:
1) Sit
down and figure out what you really want from your dating/relationship
life. Is it just to date
a lot of guys?
Is it to find a "soul mate"? Is it to have lots of
experiences, or just have fun? Whatever your goals, you have
to be absolutely specific here. Start by looking at how your
life will be when you find exactly what you want. Use that
model to work backwards and decide what traits you need in
a man in order to have that.
2) As you meet guys, determine how they fit your model. If
they don't fit, you don't have to waste your time (or theirs)
and can simply move on. If they do fit, then find out what
their model is, and see if you fit it. If so, start getting
to know each other better and see how it works.
Obviously, this requires you to have some goals, but it will
definitely help you avoid situations like this one. The final
point to make is this: do you think this guy fits your goals?
It doesn't seem like it from what you've said. It might be
time to move on and find someone that does.
Best regards...
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a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
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Copyright (c) 2004-2011, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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