When NOT To Get Married

Dear Dr. Neder,

I am a 23-year-old woman engaged to marry a wonderful 28-year-old man in a few months. We have been dating mostly long distance for about 4 years, but throughout that time I have had several other "flings" and even one somewhat serious relationship. He knows about all of these indiscretions, and I have been faithful for the past 9 months.

He surprised me with an engagement proposal a few months ago. I truly love him and I can picture us having a wonderful life together. Everything was fine until I went out to dinner with one of my high school male friends last week and he told me that he loves me and does not think I should be getting married now.

Unfortunately, I have been having second thoughts for about the past week. It is not that I want to date this friend at all. I can't tell whether it is because I am scared of committing to my fiancée fully or if I am just not ready for marriage to him right now period. He is everything I am looking for in a husband and eventually a father for my children. I just need some help in sorting out if these are normal jitters or a sign that I need to call off the wedding.

Please help!

Hello!

If it were me, I'd call off the wedding. Yes, I know that's probably not what you want to hear, but I tell people this all the time: there aren't too many divorces, there are too many marriages!

Let's look at your situation:

First, you've been with this guy in a long-distance relationship. This is very bad, because you only get to see his "good side", not his everyday side. Until you really know a person by being with them day in and day out, how do you know that he's "everything you could ever want in a husband"? That's an important decision to make BEFORE you get married.

Next, you've had other relationships while "being" with him. It doesn't sound like you're really "with" him, despite the 9 months of commitment. As said above, what are you "committed" to: this guy, or your IMAGE of this guy?

The fact that you're getting jittery now is normal, but in light of the other issues, I'd SERIOUSLY reconsider your decision. It almost sounds to me like you're in love with your unborn children, and you see this guy as a way to get them - rather than to have a great marriage that lasts THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. If you truly loved him, you wouldn't even consider being with anyone else.

Julie, there are only two reasons for getting married:

1. You are absolutely ready to have children, (I believe that kids should only be brought into this world in a committed marriage); or,
2. You're absolutely, unwaveringly sure, that you're found the only man you're ever going to love for the rest of your life.

That #2 is a killer! How are you ever going to be sure unless you spend some REAL time together?

If you think that you're really ready to get married, not just to have kids, but for the benefits of getting married, why don't the two of you just move in together for a year or two instead?

If you decide that you want to do this, be sure that you get a "cohabitation agreement" together, and that you view this as a chance to "verify" that you should be married. If this experiment doesn't work out, you can still stay together as a couple if you choose, but you'll have a much clearer vision of where you are now, and where you'd be in a marriage.

Here's an article on moving in together: http://www.remingtonpublications.com/moving_in_together.htm

Best regards...

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