A Case Where Truth Doesn’t Hurt

Hello Dr. Neder

I am at a point now where I do not know what else to do. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years and I have a lot of issues with trust. Well, I have one issue and that is that I do not trust him. My boyfriend has lied to me numerous times about many different things, some of them so trivial that I can’t possibly understand why he would bother. Over the years I have let each lie go because each time he says that he will change. Recently I broke up with him because I told him I didn’t trust him. However, the break up only lasted 2 days because I missed him so much.

I don’t believe that he has cheated or that he ever would. I just think that he has a problem. He not only lies to me but to his friends and family. I want to be with him more than anything but I know that this is not possible without trust. I was wondering if you could help me. I don’t know how I am going to start trusting him again; I don’t know what I am supposed to do. It has come to the point where I don’t believe anything he tells me.

Thanks.

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Hello!

Let the first person that hasn't lied come forward...

First of all, this is an absolutely unreasonable standard. You have lied to him too - doesn't that count? How do I know this? Because lying is something EVERYONE does - from "little white likes" to "whoppers", everyone tells lies. Having been in your relationship for 3 years, I can absolutely, positively know that you've lied to him too.

The only difference is that you care about it and hold him to it; try to make him responsible for it, and make him take responsibility for your trust when he lies - he doesn't.

So, if lying is your reasoning for not trusting him, I think it's rather misplaced. Consider too that just because he's lied to you, doesn't really mean much in your relationship! My concern is why he feels he HAS TO lie to you? What about you makes him feel that he can't trust YOU in order to be honest with you? Have you ever stopped to consider that issue? This isn't about him - it's about you!

Let's talk about trust.

Trust has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else. Trust is a purely internalized thing! You're trying to make him responsible for your level of trust in him when he can't possibly do this. Your excuse is simply that since you've caught in him a lie that you can no longer trust him. Going back to my first point, that is completely unreasonable!

I've used this analogy a number of times: do you "trust" him to get something from the store if he promises, or to pick you up from the airport if he say's he will? Of course you do. You "trust" him to do it because you could simply do these things yourself if you had to. You might not appreciate him forgetting you at the airport, but you'd sure as hell find a way home, wouldn't you? I bet you wouldn't sleep there!

You know that he's never cheated on you, yet you just don't "trust" him. What's this all about? I'll tell you - it's about your inability to accept the responsibility for your own trust in someone else. Specifically, you want to rid yourself of this responsibility.

I suggest that you reconsider your issues here. You apparently have an otherwise good relationship that you're tearing apart because of personal issues - not because of issues he's created. Worse yet, this isn't going to end with him. If you break up with him, you're not going to trust the next guy - or the next one after that, if you don't get this handled within yourself first.

Best regards...

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