Online dating tips and relationship advice from Dr. Neder...
Why Do Men
Fear Commitment?
Dr. Neder,
Why does a guy
bolt for the door, when he has everything he wants? I seem to
be getting a lot of "I'm afraid of commitment", "We
are too close", and "You're great but I'm not ready"
I never even used
the word "commitment"! It seems that just because
a woman wants to spend time with her guy he thinks he going
to lose his freedom. How do you get them back after they bolt??
Thanks, "Spotless"
-------------------------------------------------
Hello "Spotless"!
Men are very, very
sensitive about anything that even smacks of "commitment"
(like I have to tell YOU!) In fact, I actually get this question
quite often!
The concept of
commitment means something very different to men and women.
Women interpret commitment as security, future, and possibly
marriage and children. From the time women are little girls
they are constantly given the image of the white wedding, the
house with the picket fence and kids. In fact, if you really
think about it things like weddings, Valentine's Day, children
- all are really for the benefit of women! Women (especially
today) really have all the options. You can move between careers,
go back to school, stay at home, leave a career to have kids,
return to the career, etc., etc., all without the absolute responsibility
of supporting the family.
Men on the other
hand see commitment as something quite different. To men, commitment
(or even the hint of it) means a lack of freedom! Why is this
so? Consider what happens to men socially. Men pay 92% or more
of all dating costs. They pay 74% of all family costs. A man
has only one choice when he leaves school - go to work and become
successful. The more he earns, the better women he can attract!
Commitment means that he has fewer choices - in work, in women,
in play, in time, and in life. He can't just "up and leave"
a job when he is married. He has to think about his family.
Thus, when a man looks at commitment, he sees a lifetime of
struggle. On his own, he only has the pressures he places on
himself.
Once a guy "bolts",
you've got some work to do to get him back. Remember how he
sees commitment. Women intuitively understand that their goal
is to get a man to see the exchange of freedom for sex. This
really is your key. There has to be something in your relationship
that he wanted in the first place, and you'll have to make sure
he gets it!
As well, there
is another important thing you can do: realize that men are
NOT monogamous. Yes, I know that isn't what you want to hear.
But consider this, if you realize this up front, you're already
way ahead of the game! Thus, your goal shouldn't be to get your
guy to commit and be monogamous to you - it should be to become
the women for whom he WANTS to be monogamous! Do you get the
difference here?
One last point
that is important: look at your goals. Is your goal to be married?
I tell women this all the time - if all you want is to be married,
I'm sure you can find someone this weekend that will marry you.
So that shouldn't be a problem. On the other hand, if you want
someone of quality that you love and that loves you back - focus
on THAT goal instead! Don't worry about the "format"
of the relationship - focus on the quality.
If you're really
interested in how men think, I suggest you pick up a copy of
my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's' World". It was
written for men - just the way men talk to each other (when
you girls aren't around!) It should really give you some insight
into what goes on in men's minds.
Best regards...
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to me at dwneder@beingman.com
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a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other
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Copyright (c) 2004-2009, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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