Why Do Men Fear Commitment?

Dr. Neder,

Why does a guy bolt for the door, when he has everything he wants? I seem to be getting a lot of "I'm afraid of commitment", "We are too close", and "You're great but I'm not ready"

I never even used the word "commitment"! It seems that just because a woman wants to spend time with her guy he thinks he going to lose his freedom. How do you get them back after they bolt??

Thanks, "Spotless"
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Hello "Spotless"!

Men are very, very sensitive about anything that even smacks of "commitment" (like I have to tell YOU!) In fact, I actually get this question quite often!

The concept of commitment means something very different to men and women. Women interpret commitment as security, future, and possibly marriage and children. From the time women are little girls they are constantly given the image of the white wedding, the house with the picket fence and kids. In fact, if you really think about it things like weddings, Valentine's Day, children - all are really for the benefit of women! Women (especially today) really have all the options. You can move between careers, go back to school, stay at home, leave a career to have kids, return to the career, etc., etc., all without the absolute responsibility of supporting the family.

Men on the other hand see commitment as something quite different. To men, commitment (or even the hint of it) means a lack of freedom! Why is this so? Consider what happens to men socially. Men pay 92% or more of all dating costs. They pay 74% of all family costs. A man has only one choice when he leaves school - go to work and become successful. The more he earns, the better women he can attract! Commitment means that he has fewer choices - in work, in women, in play, in time, and in life. He can't just "up and leave" a job when he is married. He has to think about his family. Thus, when a man looks at commitment, he sees a lifetime of struggle. On his own, he only has the pressures he places on himself.

Once a guy "bolts", you've got some work to do to get him back. Remember how he sees commitment. Women intuitively understand that their goal is to get a man to see the exchange of freedom for sex. This really is your key. There has to be something in your relationship that he wanted in the first place, and you'll have to make sure he gets it!

As well, there is another important thing you can do: realize that men are NOT monogamous. Yes, I know that isn't what you want to hear. But consider this, if you realize this up front, you're already way ahead of the game! Thus, your goal shouldn't be to get your guy to commit and be monogamous to you - it should be to become the women for whom he WANTS to be monogamous! Do you get the difference here?

One last point that is important: look at your goals. Is your goal to be married? I tell women this all the time - if all you want is to be married, I'm sure you can find someone this weekend that will marry you. So that shouldn't be a problem. On the other hand, if you want someone of quality that you love and that loves you back - focus on THAT goal instead! Don't worry about the "format" of the relationship - focus on the quality.

If you're really interested in how men think, I suggest you pick up a copy of my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's' World". It was written for men - just the way men talk to each other (when you girls aren't around!) It should really give you some insight into what goes on in men's minds.

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

Copyright (c) 2004-2008, Dr. Dennis W. Neder
All rights reserved.

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