She Changed My Plans!

Dear Sir/Madam,

Here is my problem. I have been dating this girl exclusively for 4 months. We had been hanging out nearly every weekend for a year as friends before she decided she wanted to be more than that. As friends I even went home with her for Christmas to meet her family and to do some skiing.

About 5 months ago, she booked tickets for us to go back to her hometown during the month of August. Initially, she was going out 1 week before me because she said that she wanted to visit with family and friends before I got there because once I am there she does not have as much quality time with them. Ok - not a problem. Then about a month before we were going to leave she decided to stay an extra week at the end of the month. Essentially the plan was for her to go out for the entire month of August and for me to come out during the middle two weeks.

Now, I am not going at all. Three days before I was going to fly out to visit she calls and says that she does not think it would be a good idea for me to come out because she will not have time to do the activities we planned on doing while I was there. She said that her grandparents are very sick and that she wants to spend as much time as possible with her sisters, grandparents, nieces, nephews and friends as possible. She said that if I came she would be too stressed out trying to keep me entertained and also visiting everyone. This came as a complete shock because for a month before I asked her several times if she thought me going was a good idea because I did not want her to get stressed out. She said she would really like me to go. Now, three days before I leave she tells me more or less to stay home.

She has never lied to me before, she is very close to her grandparents and she only gets to go home for 6 weeks out of the year. The rest of the year she lives 2000 miles away from her family. She has had a very difficult family life and she feels like she has to be in control all the time.

However, regardless of all these facts, I cannot help but think that she simply doesn't want me to go out there because she is having second thoughts about committing to a relationship.

In a nutshell, I do not understand how me going out there would cause more stress. Her family really liked me when I was out there as her friend. However, she said that me being there would make it hard for her to visit with friends and family.

Does this sound legitimate or a bunch of bull? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks!!!

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Hello!

I'm much more a "sir" than a "madam" by the way!

Frankly, this is a very convenient excuse on her part. After all, you can neither confirm anything she's said, nor can you question it. This is her family, right?

Since she paid for the tickets, they are hers to do with whatever she wants. You'll just have to make other plans as to how you spend your month. This leads me to my advice:

First, when someone plans something - especially when they do it around someone else's plans, including dates, vacations, short trips, dinners, etc., etc. - both people involved become encumbered by those plans. That's because it's rude to impose on someone else's life and time. In this case, you have to reorganize your entire month to fit her situation. It probably isn't difficult to do, but that isn't really the point! It simply imposes something on you that you didn't have to do in the first place because you had already organized your time to fit her initial need!

If I were you, I'd spend this month meeting some new women. She's entitled to any action she wants, but then so are you. You don't have to simply accept being mistreated in this way. You have already given her the latitude she wants/needs to enjoy her vacation. She'll just have to give you the same courtesy - something she didn't do by pulling this crap.

Regarding whether or not this is legitimate, neither you nor I know. It doesn’t sound entirely above board however. What we do know is that it is rude and inconsiderate. Is that they type of relationship you want to have with anyone?

Best regards...

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