Don't Sit In The "Wussy Tree"

[A note to the reader:
Sorry for the length of this article, but it is HEAVILY edited! Regardless of the length, please read it all the way through – you’re going to get a bunch of important information from it!
DWN]

Dear Doc,

My girlfriend of 4 years just recently broke up with me. We have been apart for about 2 months now. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I love her and feel so deeply that she is the one for me, but I don’t know what to do. We are both 21. I am the only one she has ever dated. And I am the only one she has ever had sex with.

We were doing really well for about 3 years, and then my life got very stressful. I started treating her very wrong. I wasn’t abusive, just very inconsiderate, immature, and was just plain rude at times. Frankly, I was an asshole.

Well, she broke up with me, and I decided to change my life I stopped smoking, started getting healthy, changed careers, started going working on my degree, etc. My attitude is so positive, and I am now on a great track for life.

She said she surprised by my change, but only told me recently. Her friends and family never liked me, but I know she loves me, even if she won’t admit it.

I really want her back, I have so much love to give; I have lived my mistakes, and dealt with them, and now I want to be there for her. She says that she doesn’t know if or when we will ever get back together. She said she wants to date others, but doesn’t want another long-term relationships though because she doesn’t to be committed to anything.

She said she wants me as a friend. When we talk and I say something to the extent that "it hurts knowing that I’ve lost you forever"; she says, "You don’t know that and neither do I" or "You are making it sound like I am dropping off the edge of the world, and I’m not!" She doesn’t want to talk about the past or the future, only the present. She doesn’t want me to say any of the typical stuff like "I love you", but I slipped up the other night. She was ok with it and said not to worry about it.

Also about 2 weeks ago, she said she didn’t trust me, not in a bad way, just not love trust. When I spoke to her last night, the biggest thing she said was holding her back was about not wanting to be committed. So does that mean I have earned my trust back? She said she is saving her self sexually for me. Do I believe that?

She isn’t the type of girl that goes out like a slut; it takes a LONG time to earn that much trust to have sex with her, believe me I went through it. I did earn it. I am not good at translating these women, Doc.

Another one of her complaints was my problems. I would tell her about a problem, and she would take it and run with it, try to solve it for me. I never wanted that, I only wanted her to listen to me.

That was another thing she said "I broke up with you cause I was tired of dealing with your problems." When we first broke up, she didn’t want to hear any of my problems, now she talks to me when I need it. It is just the standard family stuff, or work stuff, but it feels good to have her listen, just don’t try to solve these problems for me.

I have not been perfect in the past. I have cheated on her, but I told her.
I was open about it cause I felt so guilty, and I never would do it again. I haven’t been the best person Doc, but I never hid myself from her. I was who I was. I never attempted to put on another face.

Now here is the other thing, she never talked to me. If she had a problem she would bottle it up, then let it eat her, or complain about me to her friends or family. That doesn’t help. She said she doesn’t want to "hurt" me. And I have made it quite clear to her recently that if she has a problem, then just talk to me, I am always willing to listen to her.

We hang out on the weekends and keep in touch. At first she treated me like a leper, but now she has seems to treat me like a friend. When we are parting at the end of an evening, we always hug, and there is that 5 second gaze at each other like she wants to kiss, but wont. I do not even make a move for it because I don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. We almost did about 2 weeks ago, she moved in to, and I did too, and she pulled back at the last second. I said, "You probably would have felt awkward right?" she said "not now, but later I would have."

I really need to know how to repair this situation. There must be a way.
This can’t be forever. I have never felt this way about any other girl I have ever met. I don’t understand how she could see me change like that and not know if she wants to date again. If the tables were reversed no matter the situation, I would give the girl a chance to redeem herself.

There has to be something I can say to her to change her mind. I understand time is the greatest healer, but after all we have been through, there I think that 2 months is plenty. She needs to give me a chance to sweep her off her feet once again. How do I open that door?

Doc, thanks in advance for your help. I have been extremely distraught with
the thought of her being with others, and not just that, but not being with her. People do change, and for the better too. I did. Is it to late Doc? I cant date any others.

If you need any more information, please feel free to ask, I will be very open about this to you. It’s killing me.

Thank you very Much!

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Hello!

Please, please, PLEASE don't write me with MORE information!!!!! I can't take any more than you've already told me!!

My brother, you're not going to like my answer, so I'm warning you to just stop reading right now. Don't go any further; you're going to be sorry. Just stop right here!!!

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Ok, so you didn't take my warning and decided to read it anyway? Like I said, you're not going to like the answer, but you're going to grow from it nonetheless.

My brother, you are a pussy, plain and simple. The reason she broke up with you is that she's tired of dating women, and instead wants to be one herself. You won't let her! You've taken that slot in this relationship all for yourself, and in doing so, forced her to be the man you won't be!

I don't know the reasons why you have become this way, and please, please don't try to explain them to me! It's probably a combination of being raised by a single mother, exposure to the media, and all sorts of mistaken beliefs, but frankly, it doesn't really matter. You've fallen right out of the wuss-tree, and hit every branch on the way down!

You've expected her to spend all of her time and effort trying to nourish your inner-child instead of doing that yourself. In short, you've drained the emotional life out of her! Hell, you just about did that to me with your email!

All of this sensitive/caring crap doesn't wash with women. I don't care what you've read in Cosmo, or seen on Oprah, or even what mommy told you about women, it just isn't true. Women don't want to date other women - they want to date men. These men look, feel, smell, taste, and especially ACT like men! They don't snivel, cry or whine when things aren't how they want them to be. And especially, they don't run to their girlfriends every time something in their lives goes just a little bit south.

Especially, they take RESPONSIBILITY for themselves and their actions, and don't inflict their guilt on others - particularly those they love. Let's explore this a little deeper shall we?

You told me that you cheated on your girlfriend. Ok, for good or bad, it happened and you can't make it "un-happen". Then what do you do? You go unload all of that ON HER, only to relieve YOUR OWN GUILT!!! What the hell are you thinking, man???

All that could possibly happen is to damage her, while trying to get rid of your own guilt. Of course, your guilt remained (as it always does), but on top of it, HER self-image was harmed because of your selfishness! Being rude doesn't make you an asshole as you've stated, but this little act of cowardice does! If you can't deal with the guilt, don't do the act in the first place. If you do it, BE A MAN and take responsibility for yourself by not harming others for your own benefit!

Well, there you have it. Remember, I tried to warn you before not to read any further!

So, let's talk about what you need to do to get this corrected. After all, if you don't do something about it, you're just going to wind up right back here with the next girl, and the one after that, etc.

You probably don't have any real chance with this woman again - at least not in the near future. Why do you think she's so concerned about being in another committed relationship? It's because she's afraid ALL men are like you! Let her get the taste of what a real man is like, and she's going to be all over him. I just hope you get to be that guy.

I strongly urge you to get a copy of "Being a Man in a Woman's World" and read the damn thing! Commit it to memory. Don't cheat yourself here, we're talking about your future. You have that inner man in there hiding out, and you can bring him back to the front, but it's going to take some work.

You need to learn a number of new skills including:

* Self reliance;
* Relationship management;
* Responsibility for your actions;
* How women speak, think and act;
...and especially...
* What it means to BE A MAN.

Brother, all this may seem rather harsh, (it is by the way), but I know of no other way to get this message across to you. You've got things terribly wrong here, and your girlfriend getting fed up with it IS NOT the problem - it's only the symptom. YOU are the problem. Please don't spend 21 more years suffering through all of this - get it corrected, NOW!

Best regards...

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Have a love, relationship, sex or man/woman question? I answer all email. You can write to me at dwneder@beingman.com for answers. For more information about my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World" (volume I & II), and other products visit: www.beingaman.com. Check out the discussion group at: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/beingaman.

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