KissMeGoodnight
Article Series: Infidelity & Cheating
Is My Partner Cheating On Me?
Infidelity
Excuse: I Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love
by Dr. Robert Huizenga
I find this dilemma rather common for younger
couples, probably mid or late 30s and younger.
Usually one reports, falling out of love and is truly disturbed
by this shift. He/she (and this is not merely a female problem!)
wants to recapture those feelings.
This person has found a significant other who has stirred
those dormant feelings and this person once again feels in
love.
They are determined not to settle for a less than an ideal
relationship, which means, of course, feeling the love feelings.
Here are some Key Points for this type of infidelity. (The
6 others are outlined in my E-book.)
1. Unfortunately, our culture (movies, songs, romance novels,
soap operas, romance comedies) teaches us that this is how
it's supposed to be. Falling in love is the norm the implication
being, that if it doesn't happen, or if it goes away, something
is wrong with you, your spouse or the marriage. A good relationship
must first unlearn a great deal.
2. The person who was driven to find that loving feeling (reminds
me of a song) usually experiences a high degree of guilt and
conflict. He/she is often married to a good person and the
desire to find that loving feeling seems selfish (which it
is) and immature (which it is). Intuitively (and this person
usually has a great deal of intuition and sensitivity) it is
known at another level that he/she is not on the right path.
3. This person usually has a need for drama and excitement.
Life easily becomes a soap opera. Emotional juice from the
fall-out of emotionally intense relationships reigns rather
than living life from the core of who one is.
4. There is little understanding, or perhaps healthy models,
of the shifts needed as a relationship matures. For example,
falling out of love usually happens when the attractors become
the distracters. For example: His love for fun and spontaneity,
which drew her initially to him, becomes irresponsibility.
Her stability and calm, which drew him initially to her, become
control.
5. The person looking for love is actually looking for the
ideal, someone out there, who will project back to him/her
that he/she is OK. No, more than OK, close to perfect.
6. This person needs to be adored, or think another adores
him/her, because there is a lack of inner strength and solid
identity. The other becomes my world, because I lack a world.
Being in love is the panacea for my emptiness.
7. Sexual intercourse does not need to be a part of these
relationships. Sexual activity may indeed END the relationship
or at least move it to the point where the attractors become,
again, the distracters. The idealized images may be held together
by long phone calls, gifts, holding, love letters, e-mails,
etc.
8. This type of affair often occurs when there is a lull in
the marriage relationship. The responsibility of raising children,
starting and maintaining a career, paying bills, etc. become
the focal point for the couple. Romance becomes a foreign word.
People are especially vulnerable for this type of affair after
the children are in school and/or the oldest child reaches
early adolescence. (There are good reasons for this, from a
family systems perspective, but I won't get into that here.)
Tip: If your spouse is struggling with this type of relationship,
make sure you hold and care for your self. Your spouse does
not have the capacity to do this for you (or anyone) at this
point. Yes, you are ok. Her/his affair says less about you
and much more about the emptiness within her/him. It is time
for you to know you better. Model for him/her what it means
to be a person with a core, with integrity, with boundaries,
with values, with meaning, with purpose and actively figure
out what your needs are, and get them met. Maybe she will ask
questions. Maybe she will not. Maybe soon. Maybe later.
Find
Relief! Discover how to stop the affair and your misery.
Sign
up now for Dr. Huizenga's Free E-course.
# # # # #
KissMeGoodnight.com
: 2008
>
Home > Infidelity & Affairs:
Main Page
|
