KissMeGoodnight
Article Series: Infidelity & Cheating
Is My Partner Cheating On Me?
I
love You but am Not "In Love" with You!
by Dr. Robert Huizenga
Almost daily I encounter those
entangled in a kind of extramarital affair I describe as "I
Fell Out of Love...and just love being in love."
The cheating or "offending" spouse has encountered
someone where there are "sparks!"
Here
are common phrases: (to the spouse) "I love you
but am not 'in love' with you. The romance in our marriage
is gone. I found someone who really loves me." (self thoughts) "I
don't want to settle. I have a lot of love to give. He/she
treats me like no one else. I feel special with the other person."
The "offended spouse" often responds
with increased or new romantic gestures. They fall flat.
At the core of this kind of affair is a deeply
engrained belief that "romance" is the savior and
benchmark of a great marriage or intimate relationship.
Here are some reflections on romance:
1. "Romance" is subtly touted in our culture (USA)
as the ultimate experience in an intimate relationship. Romance
is idealized in movies and books as the ecstasy of being "in
love." We can't get enough (hugely profitable grocery
counter tabloids) of which "stars" are currently "in
love" with whom. And, it often does not matter (really)
if the are married. Oh gosh, to be like that, to experience
that. Wouldn't that be wonderful?
2.
Romantic movies are often called "romantic comedies." Ever
wonder why they are so funny or why they should be? Or, at
the other end, romantic movies are tragedies (Romeo and Juliet).
How about the smaltzie "Bridges of Madison County" where
the woman and man (Clint Eastwood) never get at the huge "emptiness" in
their lives? Ever see a "real" romantic movie?
3.
The search for romance whether through an affair or within
our marriage often belies powerful personal
needs. It has little
to do with love and more to do with getting our personal needs
met. Most of us have strong needs such as to be acknowledged,
adored, cared for or perhaps cherished. Another powerful need
is to feel "special." This is often the pattern for
a man overindulged by his mother (forgive me for bringing in
Freud) or a woman who was the "apple of her father's eye," yet
was emotionally deprived in that relationship.
Romance becomes the vehicle through which these needs are
supposedly met without needing to name those needs or talk
about them. (Gosh, he/she knows what I want before I do - he/she
can read my mind. He/she/we are special!)
Don't get me wrong. Personal needs are ok. We all have them.
Personal needs drive, often powerfully, what we go after. But,
and this is a huge but, if we do not consciously name them
and get them met once and for all (and that can be done!) they
continue to drive us and we live perpetually in frustration,
always wanting more.
Once we move beyond the merry-go-round of personal need meeting
we discover our personal passion, our purpose and reach down
and touch the essence of real joy and peace.
4.
Romance is for mating. Sex (sexual union)
is often the bottom line. The "chemistry" described in "romantic
love" we are finding, is truly that - raw chemistry. Studies
now show (just read this last week) that those "in love" have
a high concentration of specific dorphins (chemicals) in their
bodies. These are the chemicals found when animals are in "heat."
I also believe that we run into 2-3 people
in our life-time where
we experience this "chemistry." I have no idea why
this happens. There appears to be some attraction, based on
a huge number of factors that stir our juices - literally.
Interesting. But, doesn't mean that I must jump into bed with
this person. Maybe some animals do, however.
5.
A person seeking romance is often someone looking
for a high. They want to feel good. They expect they should
feel good. They believe they should jump on something that
feels good. They want the pill, the drug, the retreat, the
experience that will take away their pain, their emptiness,
their loneliness and make them feel good. Of course, it is
only temporary. The nagging pain continually emerges and their
eternal search for quelling the storm within seeks a new substance.
So, should I forget the cards, the notes, the special events
I plan secretly for him/her, the I love yous and be cold, frigid
and distant?
Of course not. Please understand the temporary
place of "romance" and
the fact that your relationship longs for moments, days, weeks
and years in which you declare your self more and more fully
and welcome (sometimes with trepidation) the declarations of
the other and together explore the depths of acceptance and
heightened awareness (love) that moves beyond romance and knows
no end.
Learn
how NOT to blow it. Clear your mind! Get Relief!
Sign
up now for Dr. Huizenga's Free E-course.
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KissMeGoodnight.com
: 2008
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