Can
You Forgive AND Forget? It’s Not So Easy.
- by KissMeGoodnight.com
We have heard the saying many times that, “It’s
easier to forgive than to forget,” but the truth is that
unless you are capable of forgetting you never really forgive.
Forgiveness is the act of excusing someone for their offense
but unless you are also willing to forget their transgression
you aren’t truly forgiving them. Refusing to forget
a wrong action against you results in a lingering grudge between you
and the other person. Although you may have told them that
you have forgiven them, the memory of their actions remains
with you and creates a prejudice towards them that results
in a lack of trust in the future. True forgiveness
involves both forgiving and forgetting and this can be achieved by understanding
your own feelings as well as those of the person who wronged
you, expressing your feelings in a rational matter, realizing
that your relationship is more important than being right and
finally accepting your partner’s apology.
You may have been wronged in a situation and your feelings
of anger may be completely justified but it’s important to
truly understand your feelings in order to forgive and forget.
It is imperative that you realize that the actions of the other
person may have hurt you or made you angry but that reacting
in a hostile manner as a result of these feelings is not beneficial
to your relationship. While your feelings of hurt of anger
may be justified, taking the time to work through these emotions
before offering forgiveness will help you to forget your partner’s
words or actions. If you rush to offer forgiveness
before you have had the opportunity to vent your own frustrations it will
be difficult for you to forget your partner’s wrongdoing. You
also need to understand the feelings of the person who offended
you. It is also important to speak to your partner about why
they committed the offense against you. It is not fair to them
to make assumptions about why they acted the way they did.
Giving them the chance to express their side of the situation
will give you a better understand of why they acted the way
they did. You may learn that everything was a misunderstanding
or that you were not hurt intentionally. Allowing the
other person a chance to offer their take on the situation will enable
you to see their motives. Understanding your own emotions as
well as your partner’s will help you to really forgive and
forget.
Dealing
with your own emotions in a calm and rational manner is also crucial to forgiving and forgetting. Your partner may
be wrong and you may be completely justified in your feelings
of anger but it’s important that you not act strictly on emotion
in this situation. Acting and speaking out of anger can elevate
the tension in the situation and deter the forgiveness process.
Give yourself a little time to manage your own feelings and
collect your thoughts so that when you approach your partner
you are able to speak about your feelings in a rational manner.
It’s best to wait until both you and your partner are ready
to speak about the conflict in a calm and rational manner.
If you are truly interested in forgiving and forgetting when
you have been wronged, wait until both parties have calmed
down to ensure that neither one speaks out of anger and destroys
the chance for true forgiveness.
A
crucial aspect of forgiving and forgetting is valuing your
relationship more than you value being right in an argument.
While you may be completely right in a situation, being right
is not worth destroying the relationship over. If you are able
to put your love for your partner ahead of the vindication
of being right you will be more willing to forgive and forget.
Also, forgiving and forgetting will allow your relationship
to continue to flourish because working through conflicts makes
a relationship stronger.
Finally you can never really forgive and forget unless you
are truly willing to accept your partner’s apology. Harboring
feelings that the apology isn’t genuine will damage the relationship
because you will never forget their offending action. Listen
sincerely to your partner’s apology and have faith in them
that there apology is heartfelt and genuine. Then let them
know that you accept their apology and are willing to not let
this situation interfere with your future interactions.
True forgiveness involves not only excusing the transgression
but also effectively forgetting it as well. You can not truly
forgive someone if you don’t also agree to forget the offense.
Refusing to forget indicates a lack of trust in your partner
to not repeat the offense. While deciding to forgive and forget
is a personal matter a few suggestions for doing so are to
understand your feelings as well as the feelings of your partner,
taking the time to rationalize your emotions before you act
on them, valuing your relationship enough to truly forgive
and accepting your partner’s apology with an open heart.
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KissMeGoodnight.com : 2005
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